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(11/16/17 5:20pm)
Max Krewall (SEAS ’19) reportedly was seen around campus telling friends he was “absolutely screwed” for his big CIS121 assignment due tomorrow. There was no way he would ever be able to finish in time; something had to be sacrificed. After thinking long and hard, Max made the torturous decision to not go to his hour long meeting. “I have to get this homework done,” he insisted to literally anyone he talked to, whether they had asked or not.
(11/06/17 7:49am)
Just in time! Dr. Wallon Bradley finished making his CHEM101 midterm exam this weekend in an all-night amphetamine- and caffeine-fueled stupor, according to sources in the Chemistry building.
(10/27/17 4:38am)
After spending almost two-thirds of a highly complex lecture on quantum mechanics discussing his recent weekend trip to Jersey, physics professor Dr. Leo Mandwell looked at the clock and was absolutely astonished that there were only 5 minutes left. “I guess time flies when you’re having fun identifying angular nodes!” he said, completely unaware that he had only covered two slides the entire class.
(10/26/17 4:59pm)
Over the past few years, a phenomenon has permeated the internet: the “Mandela Effect,” which is the misremembering of certain facts or events. The theory gets its name from the widespread misunderstanding that Nelson Mandela died in jail in the ‘80s, when in reality, he died of natural causes in 2013. There are many examples of the Mandela Effect, but the most prominent instance of it is occurring right now at Penn, as students studying for midterms believe that there is “no way” they learned this material in class.
(10/22/17 5:00pm)
It’s 5:00 pm after my three hour chemistry lab. In years past, this was the best time of the evening. I would run over from the Chem building to Frontera, get in line, and ask for my favorite—fully dressed guacamole and chips. This is my one release. It’s my 30 minutes of pretending I don't have any homework to do afterwards or meetings to attend later that night. It’s my 30 minutes when my best friends and I can get together before we head to Van Pelt and study the night away. Ask any alumnus what their favorite Penn food is: 9 out of 10 will not say something from Chipotle, but rather Frontera’s guac.
(10/21/17 5:02pm)
It was getting close to Friday night and the mid-tier-and-rising fraternity, Rho Iota Chi (RICH), was running out of ideas for their next unregistered party. They had already exhausted their short list of themes throughout the year—the jersey party was, as the brother John, put it “a success, but the theme we had last week, and the week before that.”
(10/13/17 5:18am)
When Alley Brockwell (C '21) was on her 400th mock schedule, it was her freshman advisor who calmed her down. Brockwell, a potential Biology major and premed student, told UTB that after her first meeting with her advisor, she walked out of the office reassured and confident in the classes she chose. “My advisor told me that I definitely wouldn’t have any issues if I took all the classes I wanted to at the same time: CHEM 101, PHYS 151, CIS 160, and even BIOL 251!”
(10/03/17 5:04am)
Professor Barge has been teaching philosophy for 32 years, but
feels as if his style is still as young as it was during the Cold War. However,
his students do not agree. Twenty-five minutes into his fifty-minute lecture, the tenured professor, Dr. Barge, realized his students’ attention was waning. At
first, he tried new PowerPoint transition effects, testing each one out and
nervously looking to see his students’ reactions. No one looked up
from their laptop, assumedly too enthralled by their Facebook pages. In
a last-ditch effort to persuade the 8 remaining students in the class that Philosophy of Hamlet was truly cool, he looked students right in
the eyes, called Laertes an “ass," and threw finger guns.
(09/26/17 6:57am)
Cathy Jones (C ’20) has had a hard life; on top of getting
rejected from Wharton Collaborative Consulting club and failing statistics, she also found herself at odds with one of her hallmates, Lily Hitchock (C ’20).
Cathy and Lily have never gotten along. They always end up wearing the same
outfit from Urban, going to the same coffee chat for the same internship, and stealing
the hall’s only available washing machine right when the other person is about to use it.
(09/21/17 8:34pm)
Senior Julie Bryson, (C '18), says her Intro to Statistics is her “least
favorite class ever.” This might be because she is on track to fail.
(09/14/17 2:51pm)
Even though American society has progressed, we are still
not at a place where women are given equal treatment. Nor are we at a place
where it is easy to get into Penn’s sought after bar, Smokes. However, every
once in a while, there comes a strong-willed feminist with enough influence to
enact change while still enforcing strict
guidelines. Smokes’ bouncer Clark Polkins is exactly that. He stands tall in
front of the doors and proudly rejects men and women from the bar equally.
(09/08/17 2:33pm)
As Professor Keaton finished explaining kinetic molecular theory,
student Brandon Albright (C ’19)—better known to his peers as the one guy in
class who actually cares—saw an opportunity to get a few things off his chest.
(09/05/17 5:52am)
The last year has not been without dedication or hardship,
but then again, nothing worthwhile ever is. Getting to where I am, today, has
taken commitment, diligence, fervor, a little bit of obsession, and a whole lot
of meat. You may have listened to the haters, you may have seen the imitators, but it looks like the year I spent filling up my backpack with liquefied beef
has paid off.
(08/31/17 1:40pm)
On the first day of class, near-sighted student Hannah
Nicol (C’ 19) showed up to her 10am anthropology lecture with a restored desire to
save her feeble GPA and a begrudging willingness to actually do the readings. She didn't know that the professor had already assigned a chapter before class had begun.
(08/29/17 5:06am)
Even before he attended one of their NSO parties, college
freshman Darren Peterson always knew he wanted to join a frat at Penn.
(04/18/17 7:23pm)
It started in October. He charmed us with his surprise
visits. We would hang out with him outside Perry World House, take selfies, and
then he’d push us out of the way to talk to someone else. Regardless, we’d walk
to our PSCI-001 and MGMT-205 classes with a smile and a new background picture
on our phones.
(04/12/17 5:30pm)
Quaker Days, more commonly known as the week before
fling, is finally here! While many potential freshmen roll in hoping to experience
all that Penn has to offer, we can’t forget about the people who make this
experience possible: the hosts. In February, the Office of Admissions called
for 1,000 volunteers to apply to be hosts for the new baby Quakers. These bold and caring Penn students cleaned their
rooms, reorganized their drawers, and finally bought air fresheners just so their
baby Quakers would feel deceived into enrolling. That's dedication!
(04/04/17 3:30pm)
At a school where a Management 100 teams aren't always seen as herds of 12
guys dressed in identical suits, one man is responsible for changing Wharton's image
from Wall Street to the basketball court. Thanks to Paul Baker (W '80) and his generous donation of one million basketballs, the University has
been able to finalize the establishment of the Wharton School’s NBA program. This
program will allow students from Wharton to apply and gain admission to his new
Baker Advanced Layup Lin (B.A.L.L) program as undergraduates.
(02/23/17 3:46pm)
In case you didn't hear, the drop period ended last Friday. That means that you or one of your loved ones are stuck with the crappy fifth class you planned to drop, or the pointless-but-demanding elective you regret signing up for. But are you really stuck? Think outside the box.
(02/07/17 10:39pm)
Only a few hours after being confirmed as the new education secretary, Donald Trump’s millionaire nominee, Betsy DeVos, has already begun to lay down the law—and Penn and its self-esteem are paying the price.
