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OP-ED: I Don’t Need to be Rejected by Every Sorority to Know I Have No Social Life

(02/02/18 11:15pm)

Signs of Greek life are everywhere on campus. They flood the hallways, the streets, and the buildings with distinct symbols that I haven’t seen since my senior year calculus class. And every January, so many girls are crestfallen to learn that their sole ticket to having anything even remotely close to a social life at Penn—admittance into a sorority—is out of reach.


4 Ways to Awkwardly Avoid Eye Contact with People You Made out with at Ken's Seafood BYO

(01/30/18 11:15pm)

It’s a Saturday night, and you’re at a Ken’s Seafood BYO with some club you’ve only been to twice (but you’re still somehow on the exec board). You scream-sing “Since U Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson with some random dude you just met, and before you know it, you’re making out. Oh, that girl who’s the president? You made out with her 30 seconds ago, too.


OP-ED: Yeah I'm Pre-Law, But Only Because I Saw 'Legally Blonde' Once

(01/31/18 10:30pm)

A lot of my friends didn’t know what they wanted to major in when they came into college, and a lot of them still don’t. But me? I’ve known exactly what I wanted to do ever since the second day of fourth grade, when I saw the best and most socially relevant film of all time: Legally Blonde, starring the iconic Reese Witherspoon.


​Six Easy and Kinda Pathetic Meals You Can Eat in Your Three Minutes Between Classes

(01/26/18 4:58pm)

Many students struggle to find time to eat nutritiously, burdened by academic, extracurricular, and social commitments. However, we collected feedback from some of the most accomplished and well-balanced students on campus and came up with a list of six quick and easy meals for those of you with busy schedules.


'I Need a Fucking Break,' Says Student Who Just Got Back From Break

(01/21/18 9:16am)

As students continue to readjust to campus life and new classes, many are enthusiastic for the opportunities presented by a new semester. Others, however, are not as excited. Frank Vago, a sophomore in Wharton, was among the students that expressed a need for vacation after being on campus for only two days.


Report: 9/10 Study Abroad Students Won't Shut the Fuck Up About Studying Abroad

(01/17/18 7:07am)

A recent investigation showed that over 90% of Penn study abroad students talk about their traveling experiences for “overwhelmingly large amounts of time” in everyday conversations. Sociology professor John Phillips and his team of PhD candidates conducted the study on over 200 students who went abroad during this past fall semester.


4 Politically Correct Ways to Say "Give Me A Good Fucking Grade Please" This Holiday Season

(12/12/17 7:56am)

Ok, so you tried to be that guy who somehow miraculously turns his C- into an A in the last 2 weeks of classes, but it’s not working out so well. You did the calculations, and it turns out you need an 181.34% on the Math 114 final to secure yourself an A-. Don’t worry, not all hope is lost. Luckily for you, there’s a few magical phrases you can say that’ll boost your chance of getting a good grade - and of getting into med school.




BREAKING: Amy Gutmann Sends Email Taking Obvious Stance on Social Issue

(12/02/17 5:34pm)

On Wednesday, President Gutmann sent out a campus-wide email denouncing the practice of being mean to small animals. “Here at the University of Pennsylvania, we have a strong commitment to being nice to puppies and kittens,” she wrote. “We are unashamed of our morals and are willing to stand by them at all costs."


Record-Breaking Number of Students Use Phrase “In This Paper, I Argue” in Final Essays

(11/29/17 4:09pm)

For the first time ever, over 4,000 final papers contained the phrase “In this paper, I argue” within the first paragraph. The largest share of the 4,236 essays were written for Philosophy courses, with Political Science and Sociology classes following closely behind.


How to Have a Friendsgiving When Your Only Friend Is Your Pet Rock Named ‘Bobby’

(11/22/17 6:43am)

You’re from California and all your friends back home get an entire week off for Thanksgiving, while Penn students only get 2 days off. All the trendy kids that are still on campus are having “Friendsgivings,” and you’re considering doing the same. Only you realize that your only companion is a rock you found in fourth grade. Feeling lonely? Don’t sweat it. Here are some things you can do:





10 Senior Superlatives That Didn't Get Published This Year

(11/07/17 2:15pm)

Last week, 34th Street released the senior superlative recipients for the Class of 2018. Many of them were quite unique. Among our favorites were “Most Likely to Quit Their Office Job and Become a Farmer” and “Most Likely to Write an Inflammatory Facebook Post.” However, not all of the interesting ones made the cut. We’re here to show you what you missed.


​Oops! Student Accidentally Wears "Puck Penn" Shirt to Homecoming Game

(11/05/17 4:39pm)

On Saturday, Penn’s football team played one of its biggest games of the year against Princeton. The intense Penn-Princeton rivalry has sparked not only intense feelings from both sides, but also rivalry-specific apparel, too – the most iconic of which is the “Puck Frinceton” t-shirt.