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(04/22/97 9:00am)
From Jason Brenner's, "My 20 Inches," Fall '97 From Jason Brenner's, "My 20 Inches," Fall '97I've always considered myself somewhat musically inclined. Although my singing voice is subpar to say the least and I cannot play the guitar or the drums, give me a ukulele or a set of spoons and I can bring a room full of senior citizens to a frenzy of orgasmic delight. (Now that's a disturbing image, isn't it?) For example, when certain Wharton professors stood accused of unseemly sexual activities, I fashioned a lovely little ditty entitled "Love Me Do? Before They Haul My Ass to Jail." After the terrifying crime spree of last September, capped off by the shooting of senior Patrick Leroy, I, of course, felt the need to express my outrage through music; I, therefore, created the song "Yellow Submachine Gun." So when I got a ridiculous letter in the mail from University President Judith Rodin last week, I simply could not contain myself. I felt required to answer her foolish correspondence in a beautiful song. Rodin wasted hundreds of dollars of our tuition money by mass mailing a letter to seniors detailing some of her concerns about graduation. The letter begins: "I am looking forward to your parents and other guests joining us on Monday, May 19 for the University's 241st Commencement. The ceremony is a celebration of your achievement. As always, there will be a great deal of academic pageantry and other activity linking you to ancient tradition." Fine, I thought. That's not so bad. In fact, it's kind of cute. I was honored that Rodin took the time from her busy schedule to drop me a personal note explaining the significance of my upcoming graduation. It took me a few more paragraphs to realize that this was no congratulatory letter, but rather a dangerous piece of propaganda. Rodin's memo continues: "Please arrive at the Superblock assembly area on time, appropriately attired, with your considerable mental acuity well-rested and alert, and your system and pockets free of champagne, beer or other alcoholic beverages. Remember that you have a dual role: you are the guest of honor but you also have responsibilities as host to your family and friends." Of course, I thought, Ol' Judy couldn't give us some simple graduation instructions without warning us to refrain from imbibing the drink of the devil. In fact, I never even would have thought to get wrecked for graduation until she mentioned it. Never one to resist a call to action, I immediately ran to my room and -- with my pan flute in my hand and my Beatles T-shirt on my back -- sat down in my recording studio and got to work. Needless to say, I thought this letter was so ludicrous I felt required to berate Rodin's lame attempt at reinstalling Prohibition with a few verses. I think you all have heard the original before. Feel free to sing along if you like. Hey Jude Don't be afraid I will not ruin our graduation. Due to a state of inebriation. Hey Jude Please understand My parents make me exasperated. In order to spend a weekend with them I must first get intoxicated. Na-nah, nah, nah, nah-nah-nah. Hey Jude I would not dream Of insulting the Cos, our speaker. By getting wasted and taking off all my clothes. Alcohol makes me a deranged streaker. Hey Jude I realize That you and Stanley have worked real hard. To make our commencement a bright success. Our class will not rant like drunken tards. Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, Hey Jude. C'mon, everybody sing. Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, Hey Jude. In case you're wondering, I used to be a member of the Beatles but they kicked me out of the band because the British ladies were downright infatuated with me, and John and Paul had a jealous fit. Oh well. After all, a person with a voice like mine can really be a thorn in the side of the establishment? as well as anyone else averse to high-pitched shrieking.
(12/05/90 10:00am)
and ROXANNE PATEL Almost eight months after President Sheldon Hackney announced that he wanted to diversify Locust Walk, the committee set up to advise him is still struggling to get under way. Since it began meeting in September, the group has been bogged down by controversy over Hackney's appointments and over his charge, which took fraternities out of the group's scope. Discontent has disrupted negotiations within the committee itself and seeped onto campus. Throughout the process, the president and committee heads have said the panel is playing a vital role, developing a single voice out of the various opinions on campus. Vice Provost for University Life Kim Morrisson said she is certain that the members can move beyond the current squabbles. But some committee members are complaining that the charge undermined their power and that the group only exists to pacify students and faculty. Whether people support the president or question his commitment to diversity on the Walk, they agree that if the committee is to make a significant recommendation, it will have to overcome this slow start. After a semester of meetings, there has been more conflict than consensus. Just five months before they are supposed to make the definitive statement on the future of Locust Walk, members say they are just now shifting into high gear. · Hackney established the committee last spring after announcing at the April University Council meeting that he wanted to change the mix of residences along Locust Walk to better reflect the diversity of the University as a whole. He said he wanted to open up the campus' main thoroughfare to students not involved with fraternities. While Hackney was universally lauded for his stance last April, he has since been attacked for what many people see as his lack of commitment to diversifying Locust Walk. Hackney's critics, including the leaders of the United Minorities Council, the Graduate and Professional Student Assembly and Faculty Senate, have accused him of restricting the committee's discussion by forbidding members to consider relocating the Walk's current residents. Hackney has also been accused of inflexibility for refusing to change appointments to the committee, despite criticism that the group does not represent the full range of people at the University. At least two committee members are still threatening to quit if Hackney does not allow them to discuss relocating Walk fraternities and if he does not add representatives to the committee. "The committee is a huge mistake," Graduate and Professional Student Assembly Vice Chairperson Elizabeth Hunt said last week. "If certain demands aren't met about the committee, then members are just going to get fed up and quit." GAPSA Chairperson Susan Garfinkel, a committee member, said she may resign because she is the only graduate student on the 25-person committee, which she says does not give an adequate voice to her constituency, which makes up more than half of the student population. "I told the committee [last Thursday] that I was 51 percent on the committee and 49 percent off," Garfinkel said last week. "I need to be assured that graduate student concerns will get equal consideration." Garfinkel has received support from faculty members, undergraduates, other committee members, and the Faculty Senate, which does not usually oppose the president so publicly. Faculty Senate Chairperson Almarin Phillips said last month that he has also considered resigning because Hackney's charge to the committee has left it too little leeway for discussion. "I feel uncomfortable serving on the committee with such a limited charge," Phillips, a public policy and management professor, said last month. "I am not committed to resigning. I am not committed to staying on." But Hackney said this week that he does not think the committee's composition should be changed. He said it is not meant to represent a "perfectly statistical analysis" of the University. "I picked people because they are in leadership positions. I'm satisfied with the make-up of the committee," Hackney said this week. VPUL Morrisson, who heads the committee with Mechanical Engineering Chairperson David Pope, said she does not think resigning is a very effective protest. She said that past student resignations -- including two black leaders who two years ago left the diversity education committee -- have been dramatic, but have had no effect on the groups' workings. Many other members echoed Morrisson's sentiments, saying they believe the group will continue to work regardless of who sits around the table. But several people have questioned how much weight the report would have without faculty or graduate input. Hackney said he has also stood firm on his decision not to move fraternities because a legal fights over the ownership of houses could delay the diversification process. He said he believes relocating them would divide the University community. "It would be a battle we don't need to have," Hackney said this week. Many University Trustees have voiced support for Hackney's stance on Walk fraternities. But Hackney's critics point to his stance on fraternities, which they say is in line with Trustees' wishes, as evidence that the president has sold out in his attempt to diversify the Walk. They say he is not willing to make sacrifices for diversity. Citing the restrictions Hackney has already put on the group's discussions, some committee members have questioned how much influence their findings will have on the president's final decision about the Walk. Many have said they are afraid they are wasting their time. "People on the committee are wondering if we decide to be open-minded and look at all the options, is he going to consider that part of our report?" said Undergraduate Assembly Chairperson Duchess Harris. "A lot of people are going in there with the attitude that it doesn't matter what we say, he'll do whatever he wants." But the president said last week that he is depending on the committee to help him determine how to better represent the University community on Locust Walk. In fact, some people have suggested that the committee ignore any restrictions in Hackney's charge if it believes it has found a better solution. Black Inter-Greek Council President Kathryn Williams said the committee has an important function in advising the president of the consequence of his decisions. "I don't feel constricted by the charge," Black Inter-Greek Council President Kathryn Williams said. "We should do all that it is in our power to do. I don't think it really matters what the charge is, the president is going to do whatever he wants." "And whatever he does, we have a responsibility for him to know what it means," she added. Now, with only one more semester of meetings, students and faculty are questioning how carefully the committee will be able to fully examine concrete ways to diversify the Walk. "We don't have enough time," Harris said. "We will hand in a report, but it won't be as well-researched and thought-out as it could be." "Before you know it, six of the seven undergraduates will be graduating, and that will be it," Harris added. Morrisson, co-chairperson of the committee, said last week that the group will "have as many meetings as we need to" next semester in order to fully study the issue. She said she thinks the committee, which currently meets weekly, will be able to submit a full report to the president by its spring deadline.
