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Can We Guess What School You're In Based On How You Study For Finals?

Bon Appétit Wants To Take More Of Your Money By Assuming You're Bad At Math

Bon Appétit introduced a new program where students can exchange unwanted meal swipes for Dining Dollars. It sounds like a great way to keep freshman out of the rotten apple filled, cockroach infested dining halls. Penn Dining will credit $4.75 in Dining Dollars for each swipe that can be used to buy muffins with nails in them at locations such as Houston Hall. 

20(19) Things More Likely To Happen At Penn Than You Being Admitted

Decisions for Penn's Class of 2019 go live today at 5:00 p.m. With a tie for the lowest acceptance rate in history, applicants who aren't legacies face great uncertainty. Emotions will be high as the evening approaches and the acceptance page crashes as Penn welcomes 9.9% of applicants to the Class of 2019. To keep things in perspective, we've compiled a list of 19 things that are more likely to happen at Penn than an undergraduate admission.

Eight Things Less Fair Than SPEC's Kesha Floor Ticket Flash Sales

Early this morning SPEC released the first of seven Kesha floor ticket flash sales. The 50 tickets sold out in approximately 20 seconds. Seems more students wanted a ticket in the Glitter Zone than they publicly admitted. Almost instantly, SPEC's event page erupted in chaos and controversy. SPEC struggled to control the page that included a rouge poll and attacks on the committee's operations. To keep things in perspective, we've complied a list of Eight Things Less Fair Than SPEC's Kesha Floor Ticket Flash Sales. 

Philly Bridges Stages Wedding To Educate International Students About 1950s America

Philly Bridges, a branch of the Penn Christian student group, is hosting a Demonstration of an American Wedding. It's meant to educate international students about the types of weddings that take place in America. Naturally, it features a bride and a groom. Because no other people get married in America. We wouldn't want to deceive international students and let them think otherwise. All Penn students are invited to attend this educational and fun event at Houston Hall Class of '49 Auditorium on Thursday. 

Five Possible Uses For The Random Empty Space On The Fifth Floor Of Van Pelt

The fifth floor of Van Pelt Library has been stripped to its bare bones. All that remains is an awkward modern seating area and a glass staircase protruding from the fancy ass sixth floor. What's being built here? Where are the books? Why is it sometimes being vacuum cleaned? We don't know. And Van Pelt won't tell us. So, we've decided to speculate on a few possible uses of this mysterious concrete cavern. 

Penn Students Create Start-Up That Might Actually Be Useful

Penn students have a long history of creating start-ups that no one really cares about. Things that are basically useless. Things that already exist. So when we stumbled across Ivy Movers, we were pleasantly surprised. This start-up of entrepreneurial Wharton grads has been around since 2009 and has already done 1,000 moves. We're just as impressed as the current and former Wharton students they'll provide as references. If you're looking to move locally or to New York, check out their (somewhat janky) website here. 

Penn Med Straps 10 Fitbits On Research Subjects, Makes Them Run While Carrying Two Smartphones

Penn researchers are usually pretty legit. From cancer to HIV, Penn does some groundbreaking stuff. But recently when we were perusing The Journal of the American Medical Association, something in the methods section of a paper made us a little skeptical. Researchers from Penn Med aimed to test the accuracy of various wearable fitness devices against smartphone apps. How did they accomplish this? By strapping six Fitbits on subjects, putting both an iPhone and an Android (four apps total) in their pockets, and having them run on a treadmill to record the steps taken. Does the added weight of the dozens of devices affect the results? Do the subjects feel as though they can't move because they are shackled by Fitbits? We don't usually carry two phones when running, but when we do, we're so afraid of breaking our screens that we waddle like a penguin. These results don't convince us one (Fit)bit. 

Theta Gets Snapchat Geofilter, Who Will Be Next?

Last night a geofilter went live at the Theta chapter house. An early morning sample of stories suggests that Theta's replaces "Turn Up On Delancey" as the hottest Penn geofilter. We didn't know sororities were eligible for their own filter, but Snapchat now allows submissions. 

Update: Tap House Is Very Sorry That They Offended The Tap House Hero

Just a day after the Tap House Hero drew our attention to discrimination against baby-faced young adults, City Tap House has issued an official apology. A manager stated that the rejection was "definitely not personal" but admitted that they fucked up after the Tap House Hero allegedly received over 335 likes on his status. Call it a win as it seems like he'll be enjoying a few free drinks on the house. 

Hero Gets Denied Entrance To Tap House, Fights Back With Words

One angry student composed a strongly worded email after being denied entry at Tap House Saturday night. Despite being at least one full year above legal drinking age, all four of the his forms of identification were turned away (one of which may have been issued by Hillary Clinton). Infuriated, the student demanded to be let inside or he would never ever ever come back again.

JetBlue Offers Wharton Classes High In The Sky

JetBlue, Wharton's little boo airline, might have recently reduced legroom and ditched free bags. Thankfully, JetBlue has redeemed itself in a way that will put your head in the clouds notwithstanding a stopover in Denver. Recorded marketing lectures from the Wharton School are now available complementary on all JetBlue flights. Post Spring Break marketing midterm? Study on the way home. Bored on the way to California? Educate yourself about marketing. There is nothing better than a Penn lecture on-the-go (besides JetBlue's terra blue chips). 

The Jewman Touch

Those jovial, judicious, jittery, and jocose Jews who make up 26% of the Penn student body have created a Facebook page to share what's on their minds. One interviewee explains the struggle of finding a NJB (tip: sit outside the M&T building). Another wonders how many times she can do Birthright. 

What Your College House Says About You: A Comprehensive Guide To Freshman Housing

Today, thousands of members of Penn's most exclusive class ever will move in to their freshman year rooms across campus. We know it can be a stressful time for new students and their parents alike, so we  interviewed two upperclassmen (X and Y) to hear the inside scoop.

ALL Elevators in Harnwell Broken - Hopefully you're not too tired after the first day of finals, because Harnwell's bringing "worst place to live in Philadelphia" to an unprecedented low. Reports indicate that the crowded stairwells are approximately 100 degrees (like stuffier than Starbucks under Commons) because they simultaneously refuse to turn the AC on. Give yourself extra time and bring a change of clothes cuz this elevator drought is allegedly still going strong.

Professor Subjects Class To Emotional Distress In Sick Experiment

Human research is risky business. Sometimes, there are great discoveries. Sometimes, there are unintentional consequences. Recently, a PSYCH 160 professor wished to demonstrate the effects of images on emotion, so he chose to subject a room of drained students to a video of their childhood hero being violently stomped to death by a stampede of wild animals in a heated act of betrayal. According to sources, members of the class proceeded to sob. This research allowed the professor to conclude that the correlation between "traumatizing video" and "anxiety-ridden college student weeping" is strong, a groundbreaking discovery. We suggest taking a look at more upbeat The-Lion-King-at-Penn occurrences to cheer yourselves up.

Blaze Before You Praise: 4/(20) Things To Do At Penn This Easter

Today is a magical day that we may never see again. Easter, Passover, and 4/20 converge to fall on the same date. Hallelujah. Science tells us that sometimes the sum of two things is greater than their values alone. This is one of those times.  Here are 4/(20) things you should try to do on this holiday, Peter Cottonmouth.

ShutterButton: When We Were Shmacked

Collective exhale, Penn. We're back in action. On this eve of Fling 2014, we look back to better times. Before the man tried to put us down, cancel our parties, and drive us to black out downtown far away from medical amnesty. When this hero still felt comfortable taking a handle pull in broad daylight on a public street. When Penn got shmacked. The good old days. We'll miss you.

(20)18 Things More Likely To Happen At Penn Than You Being Admitted

Decisions for Penn's Class of 2018 go live today at 5:00 p.m. With the lowest acceptance rate  in history, nothing is certain. Besides the 13% of the class filled by legacies. Regardless, emotions will be high as day fades to night and the decision page fades to a 404 error. To keep things in perspective, we've compiled a list of 18 things that are more likely to happen at Penn than an undergraduate admission.

Setting The Record Straight

As the result of some passive-aggressive leadership issues at The Record, those who placed an order last year will have to wait a little longer to receive their 2013 yearbook. An email sent describing the situation raised more pressing questions that trumped the cattiness. Since when does Penn have a yearbook? Will anyone still care 14 months later?