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?Chasing Amy: Cha$in’ Paper

The Chronicle of Higher Education’s 2012 pay survey of college presidents was published Tuesday, and dear old A-Gut came in fourth place. 

The Radian Wants You To Stop Throwing Stuff Out Of Windows

Remember when there were a bunch of street performers outside the Radian? Well, neither do we, really, but apparently the residents of the bougie building have found another way to entertain themselves. They've taken a page out of Amanda Bynes's book–and management is not happy. Because nothing says "bold" better than chucking your trash out of a window towards the peasants at Jimmy John's.  

Flyerer of the Week: African Rhythms and Onda Latina

This week, we spoke with (from left to right) Izabel, Anastasia, and Abrina from African Rhythms. They told us about their collaboration show with Onda Latina this weekend, African dance, and Beyoncé. 

Shutterbutton: Peeing in Costume

Most of us are still trying to make sense of the utter shitshow that was Madeon. What started as a few frats coming together to book a decent DJ for charity ended up a riot. These guys were able to find some relief, though....by relieving themselves on the wall of the venue. Well, at least Ben on the Bench got a break!

Chasing Amy: Even UPS Does It!

A mysterious package was delivered to Madame President's (sometimes) home Tuesday. Just kidding, it wasn't. The ever-elusive A-Gut wasn't there to sign for it, so just like us, the delivery guy left a note! Hopefully she can be chased down from 10:30 to 2 to retrieve whatever she ordered. Will it be an at-home airbrushing kit? A custom set of high-fashion pantsuits? A Halloween costume? The world may never know.

We Always Knew There Was Something Living In Van Pelt

Apparently, the fourth floor bathroom of Van Pelt has a different kind of pest problem. We thought Sasquatch's elusiveness was comparable to A-Gut's, but it turns out he's been in good ol' VP this whole time! 

Sign Found In Harnwell Says The End Of Days Is Upon Us

Stop hitting your bong, poppin' your molly, or whatever substance-based fun you're having: they're coming for you. No, we don't mean the Philadelphia PD; there's a new sheriff on this campus, and not even the safest of places to get high are safe from the ever-so-scary Student Health Services, which has an impostor posting these fake signs all over the high-rises. Guess we should invest in a bunch of snapshotrs, since Penn hasn't yet announced its plans to breathalyze.

Surprise, Surprise: Penn Students Like Sex

As if Penn hasn't been ranked enough recently, we now have a new trophy to put in the case. According to Fiesta Frog, Penn is the 50th "Easiest College To Get Laid At." We're also the only school in the Ivy League that was rank-worthy, so at least our need to play up our status appears to be getting us in bed.

Random Dude At A Party, Vol. 2

Welcome back to Random Dude at a Party, a feature in which we bring you the wisdom of random dudes doing what Penn does best: partying. This week's fellow's identity will remain anonymous, but his Internet fame shall live on for eternity. Drum roll please...

AKDPhi Presents Letters for Wellness -- In light of recent events at Penn, as well as larger discussions regarding mental health, the chapter hopes the letters will promote positivity on campus. Simply submit a message for someone who you think could use some kind words, and they’ll take care of the rest.

We're Eagles Fans Now That Free Coffee Is Involved—Midterm season is upon us, and as always, coffee is in demand. Conveniently it's also football season, and as everyone in the tri-state area has reminded us, the Eagles are 3-0. Why do we care? Because if the Eagles win,  Dunkin' Donuts is giving out  free medium hot or iced coffee the next day ! Just download the app and show it to the cashier. You don't even have to watch the game! Enjoy it while it lasts though, because  the last time the Eagles won a playoff game was 2008 . Ouch.

Econ TA Has "Dun Goofed"

There’s a new twist to the crazy professor emails: they’re now from TAs. The culprit? Wikipedia, which one ECON001 TA consulted for the wrong formula. The poor TA “really made of hash of explaining this,” but it's OK because he admittedly doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Word to the wise: the Law of Diminishing Marginal Returns says that the more you use Wikipedia, the less helpful it becomes. Isn't that right, Mr. TA?UPDATE: The Econ TA in question has responded in a letter to the editor, linked here! Snaps for you, Nick Janetos (anonymity gone!) – we love your snarky tone. Definitely apply to write for UTB next semester.