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Free Wawa Coffee Today -- Your favorite home away from home (and sometimes actual home when you fall asleep at 2 AM waiting for your family size mac n' cheese) is celebrating National Coffee Day. Today we give thanks for meaningless holidays created by our consumerist society to encourage business... Hooray!
Fling has flung and Spring has sprung and now it's time to prove that you've got what it takes to be Penn's next top pornographer photographer. We've seen your grams and know you've been subtly trying to take pictures while walking down Locust all week. Now it's time to share them with the world!
With the return of easy, breezy, beautiful spring temperatures back in the air, you’re surely whipping out the sandals and shorts already. But for some of us, exposed skin comes with a few drawbacks — which is why this week we’re here to weigh the pros and cons of shaving your legs.
For those procrastinators among us, planning three months in advance for a random week in March is simply too much to ask. How were you supposed to pick which Caribbean island to visit when you were busy making a semi-YouTube famous music video or thinking of questions for Caitlyn? Since there’s no way to find a villa at this hour and buying a plane ticket to Europe is basically equivalent to spending another semester at Penn, you don’t have many options. But not to fear, we have a few last minute plans, guaranteed to assuage your FOMO.
Folks, February may suck now but it's about to get a lot worse. Valentine's Day is this weekend, which means unless you've miraculously made time for a relationship between OCR, pledging, and academia, you're in for a sad week. Come Monday, you can drown yourself in half-price heart-shaped chocolates. But until then, here are some other events to fill your loveless lives.
Now that classes are actually getting hard and all your friends have gone Greek, it's time to face the facts: it's winter, it's cold and we're pretty damn upset about it. Given all of this, we couldn't think of a better time to bring back our most emotionally distraught feature! You've likely forgotten all about the dark, depressing basement of Meyerson. But not to worry, we're reminding you because It's the perfect place to hide now that the winter wonderland from this weekend has melted into dirty grey slush-water.
Over on 37th and Chestnut (i.e. the place you only go if your friends convince you to come to their Disney acapella show) one of Penn's countless construction projects has birthed a new lightened walkway. In a week of complete suckage, it's nice to not hate these trendy pillars of light. Their placement might seem random, but hey, rarely frequented side streets need love, too. And although we have a few suggestions for what they could have done better, we'll let is slide because now we have a new route for all our SHS visits.
And this year they're in color. We guess Amy G decided plain white wasn't as nondenominational as the Red and the Blue. And although we appreciate her attempt to be more PC, the Queen really sacrificed some of the likes on our inevitable Locust walk Instagram by forgoing the all white balls of yonder years. Like, we know we go to Penn, but is it really necessary for our holiday decorations to reflect this? While we're at it, we'd also like to complain that everything above the 38th Street Bridge looks like a desolate light-less wasteland. But, despite our brouhaha, there are still plenty of reasons to be festive this season, including technology inept professors, furniture stores that also sell food, and the potential return of Penn's most infamous Tumblr. So happy holidays Quakers, you can totally make it three more weeks!
Ah, the good old days: back when no one cared about the environment, the patriarchy ruled, and getting the perfect schedule meant outrunning all your peers to get to the registration table first. Although we definitely wouldn't have made it to the front of the line and appreciate the fact that Penn has put less of a priority on pure brute strength, we do kind of miss the days when registration happened with actual people. Nowadays we're stuck messing around with Penn InTouch until AirPennNet craps out or we've accidentally signed up for six of the same recitation. Thanks for nothing, technology.
For this week's Most Depressing Places On Campus we present one of the many forgotten corners of the Harnwell high-rise mezzanine. Sad and alone, this alcove is a perfect place to lament all of the hard truths you discovered while binge watching Netflix documentaries last night.
After months of following Humans of New York, the far less popular Humans of UPenn, and the waaay less popular (but arguably more interesting) Humans of Penn Hillel, we've realized that there's a whole group at Penn still voiceless: the non-humans of Penn. Benches, squirrels, stuffed bananas – all of these THINGS have stories. Follow along on our weekly journey as we ask these inanimate, overlooked, and mostly sedentary objects to reflect on their lives, their fears, and what it's like to get peed on by drunk freshmen.
Drunk alums wandering campus lamenting their glory years. Visits from the Queen herself. A campus-wide sense of desperation for alumni donations. These can only mean one thing: Homecoming is here! For those trying to decide how to spend the weekend, we broke it down for you in the most unbiased way we know how.
Attention ghouls, gals, and everyone in between (we're looking at you, pasty OCR participants). Halloween is here, which means a chance for you to earn campus-wide fame. In other words, UTB is recognizing the very best and the actual worst of your Halloween costumes.
Penn alum Elizabeth Banks is set to host Saturday Night Live on November 14th, finally proving that maybe there is a point to studying Communication.
Like us, you were probably too distracted by all the cool, quirky shapes (are those eyes??) to actually read this flyer. So here's what you need to know:
Free Coffee for National Coffee Day – In honor of this most auspicious day, stock up on free coffee from both Wawa and Dunkin' Donuts! Technically there's a one per costumer limit, but seeing as Halloween's right around the corner, it might be time to try out a few different costumes. We all gotta make it to Fall Break somehow, and everyone knows HubBub's prices won't change.
"It's pretty hard being a mouse in the food business. Ever since that movie Ratatouille came out every small mammal with a tail thinks they can just start their own restaurant. I guess you've heard of that rat in the city. No one realizes but he's been working for years to get that pizza and now business is booming on the F train. I've been working for a while but it's hard because Joe's cafe just started serving quinoa. Mice hate quinoa."
Although we assume this massive number of Porta Potties is for the 1.5 million people coming to Philly this weekend, who can really be sure? Maybe Philly finally decided it was time to give runners the poop break they deserve. Or perhaps they're providing Pope Crawl participants with a scenic place to vom. Either way, don't miss this parade of potties because it's probably more impressive than any view you'll be able to get of the Pope.
The Baltimore Avenue Dollar Stroll – is back for one night only (because let's be real, without our reminder you missed the one in June). Tonight from 5:30 to 8:30 p.m., venture to the faraway land also known as Baltimore Avenue between 43rd and 51st. Food, beer, pet supplies, and more will all be available for only a dollar, so get yourself some sensible walking shoes and stroll on over!