Call it what it was — an utter devastation.
In one of the most epic beatdowns ever administered on the less-than-hallowed halls of the second floor of the David S. Pottruck Health and Fitness Center, the Shirtless Wheezing, Out of Shape Guys took care of business on the Other Wheezing, Out of Shape Guys in a best-of-three contest, 11-0, 11-1.
It seemed like the series wasn’t even going to get off the ground in the first place.
Before breaking themselves off into teams of shirts and skins, the combined group of wheezing, out of shape guys cowered under the near basket of Court 3, afraid to ask when the Rec League game going on at the time would finish.
After the Rec Leaguers left, further delays popped up when an argument ensued over who would be “shirts” and who would be “skins,” leaving egos bruised and feelings hurt.
“I just ... I just have a lot of issues taking my shirt off in public around people,” shirts point guard Charles Falcon said. “There were some bad times in summer camp after seventh grade.
“Luckily, some of the other guys resolved the problem while I filled up my water bottle.”
Once the ball was checked, though, everything was resolved on the court.
In game one, the skins took control quickly, led by the play of junior point guard, Usuqqa Maddiq.
Despite standing 6-foot-4, a solid three inches taller than anyone else on the court, Maddiq preferred to run the team, spotting up for threes with two hands in his face and ignoring calls for the ball from his wide-open teammates.
But he made the shirts pay — eventually.
After airballing his first seven attempts, Maddiq banged in three in a row while pulling out every celebration in the book, from “three goggles” to the D-Generation X crotch chop.
“I’m one of the baddest ballers of all time,” Maddiq said. “I’m one of the best shooters, one of the best-looking Penn students you’ve ever seen.”
On the other end of the court, things didn’t get much better for the shirts.
Wheezing and out of shape, the shirts seemed unprepared to run distances farther than the walk to the communal bathrooms in their respective halls and were never able to get into their offensive sets.
Falcon and forward Taylor Cooperman attempted countless pick and roll plays, but neither player could properly roll to the basket.
As a result, the shirts struggled to find decent shots from the floor, as Falcon refused to drive the wide-open lane that sat in front of him after several pump fakes sent defenders flying.
“I’m just a germaphobe,” Falcon said. “Me get sweaty? No way.”
After a Maddiq layup — and obscene gesture — finished off game one, things didn’t get much better in the second session.
Though the shirts managed to gain a one-point lead when Maddiq inadvertently shot on his own basket, the onslaught continued, leaving one set of shirtless, wheezing, out of shape guys gasping for air, and the other smiling while also gasping for air.
“We just — gasp — didn’t have — gasp — the energy out there tonight,” Falcon said. “I need — gasp — my inhaler. And a smoothie.”
Watching the proceedings with great intensity was Penn basketball coach Jerome Allen, who is eager to solidify his 2014-15 walk-on class after an 8-20 campaign this season.
“That Charles Falcon kid, he made plays,” Allen said.
