White smoke will billow out of St. Mary’s Church on 39th Street and Locust Walk when Penn’s conclave picks a new chaplain after Howard’s sudden resignation.
Credit: Amanda Suarez , Amanda SuarezThe community awaits white smoke from St. Mary’s church on 39th Street and Locust Walk as prominent campus leaders decide the next chaplain after Chaplain Chaz Howard’s sudden Tuesday resignation.
Howard publicly announced his resignation on Twitter.
“In WPhilly spnt my chaplain days: chillin out maxin relaxin all cool. Got in 1 lil fite& AGut got scard, said ur movin 2 monastery in BelAir,” he tweeted.
Howard will actually be relocating to a monastery in the suburbs of Philadelphia, where he will take the name Emeritus Chaplain Howard. The tweet also included a picture of him making a peace sign with pursed lips.
Howard’s resignation surrounds an investigation spearheaded by dining hall workers at 1920 Commons and Hill College House. According to investigation leader and Business Services spokesperson Pam Jones, Howard has been overusing his guest meal swipes to allow homeless people he meets to eat in dining halls. They have depleted supplies of cookies, milk and silverware — forks are at an all-time low this month, Jones explained.
Bill, who is homeless but frequents the corner of 40th and Walnut, often eats at dining halls on campus thanks to Howard’s help. He has a collection of over 100 utensils from the dining halls, which he hides in the sixth floor construction site of Van Pelt Library. He will likely sell them to Cash for Gold.
“Chaz is my homeboy,” Bill said. “Meeting him is the best thing that’s happened to me.”
Howard will leave the chaplaincy on Friday. The Penn Conclave is set to begin Wednesday morning and will elect a new chaplain by Sunday, according to Conclave Director and Associate Chaplain Steve Kocher.
The doors of the church will be sealed at 9 a.m. To ensure a speedy selection, conclave participants will only be served leftover food from 1920 Commons twice each day, Mary O’Rourke LeCates, Chaplain Office Manager and Special Events Coordinator said.
“Trust me, once we’ve eaten more than three meals of that, we’ll vote for anyone,” she added.
Members of the Penn Conclave include leaders from religious groups on campus, and other notable Penn officials, including Penn President Amy Gutmann.
A DP poll places Gutmann and write-in candidate 2 Chainz as tied for the lead among students. Once a candidate receives a two-thirds supermajority and the conclave figures out how to create white smoke, the new chaplain will take his or her position.
While not a participant in the conclave, Critical Writing Program Director Valerie Ross will take notes during the meeting. She will release a sentence-by-sentence “says-does” analysis of everything said during each day of the conclave and give a customized proofreading sheet of each member’s grammatical errors.
This article appeared in the Daily Pennsylvanian’s Joke Issue 2013. For more information, click here.
The Daily Pennsylvanian is an independent, student-run newspaper. Please consider making a donation to support the coverage that shapes the University. Your generosity ensures a future of strong journalism at Penn.
DonatePlease note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.