Travis Cantrell | Plunging into the V-neck underworld

Ever since I was a child, I was aware of the letter V. I believe it was pre-school, or maybe earlier, when I first encountered it. While many of my fellow toddlers struggled to champion the alphabet like a bunch of stupid idiots, I also struggled.

But by the time I reached my senior year in high school, I considered myself an expert on the matter. I was down with the V. I thought I really got it. I could even write it in cursive, I’m pretty sure. I appreciated its intricacies, its simplistic nature, its beauty. I thought I knew all there was to know. But boy, I was more wrong than that heartless home wrecker Angie was for breaking up Brad and Jen.

Once at Penn, everything I thought I knew about the letter V was abolished. Here, it is not so much a letter of the alphabet as it is a lifestyle choice. “OMG, Kelvin wore the deepest V-neck ever tonight,” my freshman-year hallmate might have said to me if I had ever summoned the courage to talk to her. “Do you like my Hanes medium-deep V-neck? It is the same one Michael Jordan wears! Do you want to have intercourse for recreational purposes only?” my subconscious imagined one conversation might go. It seemed like everyone, everywhere was wearing a V-neck.

Now, at the time, Freshman Travis did not really know how to react to this. Blessed (cursed?) with an overeager Adam’s apple, my stylistic endeavors leaned more toward turtlenecks than V-necks, so you can understand how much of a culture shock this was for me. Where I come from, people generally wore shirts with slightly more fabric, and V-necks were rare — an experimentation of the stylistically inclined. Acknowledging my innate love of the letter, I was intrigued. I just had to know — what is the deal with all these V-necks?

I had more questions. What do they say about the people that wear them? Are these people part of some clothing cult? Does the presence of the V-neck indicate a certain social class or economic standing? Do deeper V-necks indicate an increase in confidence? Or are wearers of these “deep V’s” compensating for something (like malfunctioning genitalia or poor visual -spatial skills)? Do tighter V-necks indicate a happy family life for the wearer? Or does a tight V point to the wearer living in conditions with an unhealthy exposure to asbestos? What about the V-necks with pockets? What’s in your pockets? These are questions that have answers. Answers we need to know.

Luckily, I had access to an authority on the matter. However, my source wished to keep his identity a secret. It is not my housemate, Garon, for those that thought that. The following is a direct transcription of one of our most revealing interviews, dated sometime last year:

The Daily Pennsylvanian: Why do you wear V-necks?

Unidentified male, not College junior Garon Smith of Colts Neck, N.J.: I don’t wear V-necks.

Either I was incorrect in unfoundedly judging my source an expert on all things V, or he was intimidated into not giving away the secrets of the V-neck by an outside group. What other powers are at play here?

Since then, my mind hasn’t stopped working. In order to answer my questions, I needed to better understand my subjects. I ordered a V-neck off the internet and began scheming. Where would I wear it? What happens if nothing happens? Is there a secret handshake? Will I get to touch another human being in wanted physical contact if I wear this? I was eager to find answers.

But I got too close. My V-neck never arrived. The powers-that-be stole it off my stoop. Or dragged the UPS driver from the truck, dismembered him, kicked his puppy and then stole my V-neck. Or the truck crashed into a school bus filled with blind pianist prodigies, turning the collision into a big fireball that nothing survived, including my V-neck. Regardless, the V-neck didn’t make it. With the approaching winter, opportunities to assimilate and gain further understanding are limited. My questions remained unanswered.

Never stop searching for the truth, for it is out there and it is glorious.

Travis Cantrell is a College junior from Glenmoore, Pa. His email address is tcant@sas.upenn.edu. Penn, Paper, Farce appears every other Tuesday.

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