*This article appeared in the 2009 joke issue.
By David DeLuca Ali Enthusiast hottie10@dailypennsylvanian.com
Over the last few years, the Penn women's lacrosse team has steadily improved from being the joke of the Ivy League to its creme de la creme.
From a 10-6 season in 2006, to a Final Four in 2007, to last year's loss in the national championship, and finally, to this year's 10-0 start, the Quakers have clearly become Penn's best team.
Meanwhile, the men's lacrosse team has been fading faster than coach Brian Voelker's hairline.
After going 6-7 last year, the Quakers returned 12 starters to this year's squad - yet somehow they have managed to go 2-7 in 2009.
However, men's lacrosse still has somehow been outdrawing the women.
So, in order to determine once and for all who would be the kings, or queens, of the spring season - let's face it, no one cares about baseball since they don't know where Meiklejohn Stadium is - the two decided to face off/draw control off for all the marbles.
And in news that didn't shock anyone involved, the women won, 9-6.
Ali DeLuca led the Lady Quakers with four goals, while fellow junior Emma Spiro - a defensive midfield who plays an important role in the attack - managed a goal, an assist, 10 ground balls, five turnovers caused, five draw controls, six faceoffs and somehow even saved a goal.
Meanwhile, the men's team, who as part of the agreement now must be referred to as the Boy Quakers, was led by senior Craig Andrzejewski's three goals.
Despite becoming the first women's program in the history of the NCAA to play a men's team, let alone beat them, Lady Quakers coach Karen Karin Brower still was nitpicky following the win.
"To be honest we should've beaten them by more," the 10th-year coach said. "We clearly didn't play a full 60 minutes since we failed to score until 90 seconds into the first half. Next time we've got to stick to our gameplan better."
Voelker, as well as his players, refused to comment, though the coach was overheard muttering something about a "red-headed ho."
Of course, there are some differences between men's and women's lacrosse. As a result, the men had to wear skirts for the first half. However, since checking was allowed in the second half, the Lady Quakers were allowed to bring back former goalie Sarah Waxman as their enforcer. She had a huge hit on defense Joe Kelly - who weighs a svelte 150.
"I've being saying for years that women's lacrosse is the best team at Penn," the 2008 College graduate said. "I'm so happy I finally proved that, especially by beating douchebag men's lacrosse players."
