*This article appeared in the 2009 joke issue.
By Dick Jerardi Super Senior Staff Writer jerardd@phillynews.com
After three long years, the Palestra finally has its 'stache back.
Just not the man himself.
Courting popular favor in anticipation of this month's "town hall" meeting on the state of men's basketball, Penn coach Glen Miller was recently spotted sporting the trademark mustache of predecessor Fran Dunphy, who guided the Quakers to 10 Ivy championships in his 17-year run with the program.
"Be patient with this Miller character," the third-year coach said, thinking himself incognito as he combed the mini-mane beneath his nose. "I hear he's an offensive genius."
Members of Miller's own locker room, for their part, seem to welcome the change.
"I think I saw that guy on Cinemax After Dark," sophomore Dan Monckton said. "Everything worked out for him in the end, so I think we'll be okay."
Miller's bit of facial grooming is the latest in a series of attempts to soften his public image following a 10-18 season and the transfers of sophomores Harrison Gaines and Remy Cofield.
Looking to counter the Penn fan site FireGlenMiller.com, he recently launched his own blog, GlenMillerIsActuallyQuiteNiceOnceYouGetToKnowHim.com. The Web page features multiple testimonials from current and former players.
"I got way more playing time than I deserved," senior Cam Lewis said.
"Get the fuck out of my house," sophomore Jack Eggleston said. "Can't you see One Tree Hill is on?"
"I'm on the basketball team?" freshman Garvin Hunt added.
Miller's colleagues from other Penn programs have similarly offered reassurance in these trying times.
"Second chances," baseball coach John Cole said. "Live and let live. Planes, trains and automobiles."
In another public relations push, Miller was seen last week taking requests for balloon animals from travelers on Locust Walk. Afterwards, though, he seemed faintly disappointed with the results.
"The younger ones - the puppies, the fawns, the Rosens - they're all great to have, and they show tremendous potential," he said. "But to succeed at this level, you've got to have some established veterans you can rely on. You need a couple of elephants out there, not some gangly giraffe who can't stay in front of his man. Lookin' at you, Votel."
Many of Penn's higher-ups have been the chief beneficiaries of Miller's munificence.
For the entire week following the Quakers' season-ending loss to Princeton in March, Miller insisted on driving Penn President Amy Gutmann to all of her scheduled appointments.
"We here, Miss Amy," he would say at each stop. "Quarter for your troubles?"
For athletic director Steve Bilsky, Miller supplied a gift basket complete with all the trimmings: tanning lotion, a copy of Chicken Soup for the Embattled A.D.'s Soul and a zucchini muffin.
Indeed, with the much-ballyhooed town hall meeting less than three weeks away, Miller remains confident in his ability to reach the hearts and minds of the Penn faithful.
"I can change a lot of opinions," he said. "Remember how many people used to care about basketball around here?"
