*This article appeared in the 2009 joke issue.
There's something rotten in the State of Student Government.
The pristine facade of last week's student government election was shattered last night as the Nominations and Elections Committee admitted that previously unacknowledged foul play had tainted the election.
According to a representative from the NEC, several members of the Undergraduate Assembly were implicated in a scandal involving monetary, political and sexual bribery among the upper echelons of the UA and other branches of student government after the student government formal last Thursday.
Due to the misdemeanor, the NEC has declared previous results void and will re-run the election. Votes will be submitted by e-mail to payday2009@gmail.com due to a Penn InTouch glitch.
Candidates from the previous election will be notified of a mandatory candidates meeting (on the Saturday on Fling) to discuss the violations and procedures for a remedial election.
"I'm terribly saddened and shocked that it has come to this," exclaimed College junior and NEC vice chairwoman of elections Rachel Levick. "I can't belive Penn student leaders could be so corrupt."
To protect the sanctity of the upcoming election and those implicated, the names of the UA candidates and others involved will not be released, though it is rumored that one leader's name rhymes with Dilson Song - the DP is still searching Penn InTouch for the match.
The possibility for election violations emerged on Sunday when an unidentified NEC member was spotted outside the UA meeting with a boom-box thrust above her head.
Those present testified that the song in question was Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes and that "one of the more involved committee chairmen" visibly reddened and left the room.
Further investigation revealed that the NEC member had broken a previous negotiation with the unidentified UA member, leaking several campaign violations to the media.
She disclosed that the across-the-board low expenses noted on incumbent UA member spending forms were not - as the NEC had originally insinuated - due to "unique" or "technologically savvy" campaigning but rather omission of campaign expenses.
The NEC chose to overlook one receipt from The Cave - an all-male strip club located on N. Delaware Ave. - charged Friday morning at 1:23 a.m.
Several members of the UA, Class Boards, Social Planning and Events Committee and the Student Committee on Undergraduate Education have been implicated in this late-night tryst, which allegedly occurred after the student government formal.
One anonymous SPEC member admitted the debauchery had been pre-planned by incumbent UA members. One of the UA airport shuttles was reserved using UA contingency funds to transport student government members to the club.
When several UA members were questioned afterwards, they refused to comment specifically on the incident.
As one UA member said, "Despite my firm belief in the importance of transparency with our associated constituents and an adherence to time-honored UA bylaws, I urge you to not investigate this matter further."
Due to the widespread misdemeanors and re-election, Levick noted the incident will not be investigated further.
"Today, I learned that all my campaigning efforts were for nothing," said a student and DP columnist who was recently elected for the first time to the UA. "FML."
The Daily Pennsylvanian is an independent, student-run newspaper. Please consider making a donation to support the coverage that shapes the University. Your generosity ensures a future of strong journalism at Penn.
DonatePlease note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.