*This article appeared in the 2008 joke issue.
Jonathan Katzenbach is the most recent of seven senior admissions officials to have left Penn in the last week.
The officers are all reported to have left their jobs with no notice or explanation, said a University official who asked to remain anonymous. The University confirmed the departures yesterday but did not elaborate further.
All of the officials were known to have been close to former Dean of Admissions Lee Stetson, who also resigned abruptly and without explanation in August.
University spokeswoman Lori Doyle refused to comment on the recent departures, saying they were "private and confidential."
A source inside the admissions office said morale had become extremely low in recent weeks, with the low point coming after this year's acceptance rate - almost half a percent higher than last year's - was released last week.
"The seven who left, they were always whispering among themselves," the source said. "But they were always a tight bunch - always [Stetson's] favorites. I've heard them call him 'my lord' before. If you didn't get along with them, you were done."
The source continued to say that the departed officers had often been seen rubbing their forearms as if in pain.
That has led some inside the admissions office to speculate about the true identities of both Stetson and the recently departed officials.
"People are thinking - what if, maybe, he's You-Know-Who and they are his you-know-whats?" one source said.
The reappearance of Lord Voldemort, one of the most fearsome wizards of all time, would certainly cause concern. Once thought defeated by Harry Potter, a prodigious young wizard with a magnificent set of abs and an accent to make even the most respectable girl drop her knickers, Voldemort was known for his compelling power over his followers, his powers of mind- and body-control and his flawless executions.
Sources are now pointing to striking similarities between Stetson and Voldemort, including Stetson's intensive desire to maintain Penn's high selectivity and composition of "worthy" pupils.
"Stetson [as a dean] was very selective. He only wanted certain students, with certain qualities. He rejected tons of high schoolers and prevented them from attending their dream school - an Avada Kedavra for an 18-year-old if I ever saw one," college counselor Minerva McGonagall, one of the few willing to speak on the record, said.
Penn President Amy Gutmann would not comment on whether Stetson was Lord Voldemort, but said, for the 125,893,365,986,323,465th time, that his departure was in the "best interests" of Stetson and the University.
Former admissions officer Lucy Malfoy said her former boss could not be Lord Voldemort, but if he were, she would "be supportive of that decision."
Sources in the Admissions Office also point to the recent laptop and wallet pilfering - "safety and security isn't a shared responsibility with You-Know-Who on the loose" grumbled Vice President for Public Safety Maureen Rush - and the recent disappearance of a boa constrictor from the Philadelphia Zoo as signs that the former dean could indeed be Voldemort.
However, administrators said the situation is under control.
"And don't worry about President Gutmann," presidential aide extraordinaire Leah Popowich said. "She's got the best cadre of house-elf protectors anyone could ask for. He's not going to get our Glinda."
