To the Drexel kids who are still around during the summer: your school sucks, and Blarney is on our campus.
To Philadelphia weather: are you happy now? 40 days and 40 nights of rain just weren't enough, were they? Now you have to flood me out of the city. Well fuck you too.
To the annoying teacher of my LSAT prep class: the first day, you were somewhat entertaining with your interjections of random trivia and fairly amusing jokes. But at this point, you're almost more of a pain than these indomitable logic games questions. Please just teach the class like a sane human being, deliver the secrets of the test to us, and I just might restrain myself from killing you during the next session.
To all the really fat girls eating ice cream on the really hot days: You just don't get it, do you?
To the Penn Sports Channel: The 1986 Penn-UNC basketball game doesn't count.
To the Belgian kid in my Finance class last semester who loved the sound of his own voice: In my perfect world I would turn around and punch you right in the throat, repeatedly.
To all the people who wrote in Shoutouts about gay sex in the last edition: Please don't submit any more Shoutouts. The bathroom in Huntsman is the new truck stop, and it wierds me out.
To everyone who attended the shit show in Forked River, Lacey Township: Thanks for the memories. And the Clapp.
To my roommate and his girlfriend that snuggle and giggle like a married couple, despite living with a bunch of meatheads: You make me sick. And your fucking cats pisses me off to the point of naseau. If you want to be adorable, get your own fucking apartment. We all hate you and your random married friends you bring over. Move out or break up. Christ.
To the cute law school grad who chatted with me at the bookstore about the wonders of the LSAT: You're smart, sweet, and somehow not full of yourself. How bout you drop the Orthodox Jew fa‹¨«ade and ask me out on a date next time we "accidentally" run into each other? I may not be ortho, but I'm no shiksa either.
To the athletic department: Could you be any more incompetent?
To that untouchable homo who lives with that hot Texan: Stop making up shoutouts about other people and yourself...your dick gets most of its action from your right hand.
To that droid with the annoying voice: I've set up a defensive grid of auto-turrets, so stay the hell off my planet.
To the hot DP sportswriter: Stop being ambiguous about whether or not you have a boyfriend. If you don't, let's fuck. If you do, dump him, and then we'll fuck.
To the security guard that I see EVERWHERE: Cut your nails sir, and use a roach clip.
To the PennJersey Maintenance Staff in the high rises: They're called stairs. And believe it or not, it's actually much faster to take them up one floor instead of waiting for an elevator.
To the guy who fucked that Asian girl to feel less gay: You are gay, you liked the way my dick tastes.
To UCA: thanks for fucking me up the ass. I hope your new apartments burn down.
To Greek Lady: please get your deliveries right. Isn't the health code violation enough?
To the guys at Marbar: Be more creepy, I want to use all of my mace on your scary stalker faces.
To my professor: Shut up about your asian family. No one cares that you are pressured. This is Penn and it's summer session.
To the girl whose vagina I fell asleep in the night before graduation: Why didn't you wake me up? Call me.
Dear Summer: Why do you suck so hard?
To the Umppa Loompa in my Abnormal class who has yet to make an accurate statement about anything: You are the most awkward person ever and you suck at life. Please go back to the Chocolate River.
To the Penn Sports Channel: Nobody gives a shit about watching the Penn-Harvard basketball game. For the love of God, please play something else for once.
To my girlfriend's roommate: An 8-year-old called, and she wants her wardrobe back.
To the irresponsible "house mother" of the house that I'm subletting from this summer: stop your whining emails claiming you've been disrespected by your housemates. All we wanted was to know why you inexplicably ordered the cleaning service to throw out ALL of our dishes, leaving us with a clean but useless kitchen. You volunteered for this job, so get your act together, or we're gonna stage a full-scale revolt.
To the girl infatuated with penguins: Hi. We should make babies.
To all the attractive girls staying at Penn this summer: Face it, this is all you've got. Get with the program.
To my roommate: When you're wearing itty bitty boxers, please shut your legs. It's akward when I'm trying to watch Friends, and all I can see is where the wild things are.
