Gutmann named Harvard president

Harvard University's search for a new president is over, but Penn will now have to begin its own.

At a press conference yesterday evening, Penn President Amy Gutmann announced her resignation -- effective this June -- and her plans to take the reins at Harvard.

The decision was last-minute, she said, and was attributable to personal goals, rather than Penn's character.

"I have learned so much during my time at Penn, and I sincerely appreciate the hospitality and kindness of the whole Penn community," Gutmann said. "But now it is time for me to move on to a place that is, frankly, more famous."

Gutmann returns to her alma mater with several major goals to reform what many call the world's top University. She outlined her top three priorities at the press conference yesterday, calling them the Harvard Compact.

One of its major tenets is to attract more female faculty members Harvard, which has a reputation for disregarding the work of women in the sciences.

The news shocked Penn administrators, who expressed outrage at Gutmann's betrayal of a school that welcomed her with open arms less than two years ago.

College Dean and Mathematics professor Dennis DeTurck -- usually known for his pleasant countenance -- punched a man standing next to him in the face after the announcement.

"If we had known she would turn out to be the village bicycle of the Ivy League, we never would have hired her," he said. "A Ph.D. from Harvard, provost at Princeton, president at Penn, and now back to Harvard. I'm so enraged, I could do an algorithm wrong!"

Harvard's lame-duck president Lawrence Summers expressed his displeasure with the Harvard trustees' decision.

"I'm truly appalled that they would choose a woman, let alone a blonde," Summers said at a press conference in Harvard Yard yesterday. "Why would they want such an emotional and intellectual midget at the helm of the best university in the universe?"

Harvard's search committee stands behind its decision. A press release from the committee cited Gutmann's "style and adorable mannerisms" among the reasons she is the perfect candidate.

"Harvard has a long history of presidents who were academically qualified for the job," the report said. "We thought it was time for a change."

Gutmann's decision will leave Penn officials with just five months to find a replacement. Penn Provost Ron Daniels said that he has already drafted his letter of intent for the job.

"I strongly believe that my year of experience at Penn, combined with the work ethic and charm I picked up in Canada, makes me a fantastic candidate," Daniels said.

When Penn does announce its pick, experts believe it will choose someone as attractive -- if not more so -- than Gutmann.

"Penn is definitely the insecure middle daughter of the Ivy League family," said John Q. Education, vice president of the Federal University and College Knowledgebase. "It needs a pretty face to feel good about itself."

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