Elisabeth Kwak-Hefferan: My cousin, or 'Mr. Mom' to some

My cousin just welcomed a new baby to the family, a little boy this time. Seeing as this is the third child under 3 years old in the house, my cousin is foregoing a career for a while to stay home and take care of the kids. Sounds like a fairly typical situation, right?

But there's a twist: when the kids call, he answers to "Dad."

That's right, he's a male primary caregiver, a stay-at-home dad, a Mr. Mom. His wife is the de facto head of the household -- she takes care of business as a dentist while he cooks, cleans and tends to the kiddies. This setup has been working for them since the birth of their first child a few years ago, and they're perfectly happy with it. Unfortunately, the rest of the world isn't as accepting.

There's a definite social stigma attached to these Mr. Moms. Even as gender roles have evolved over the past few decades, certain obnoxious stereotypes have persisted: husbands should be in charge of the household, the best caregiver for children is always the mother, real men should want to provide for their families. Put simply, that's ridiculous. These nurturing-type guys should be applauded, not mocked.

Relations between the sexes have mutated quite a bit in the last 50 years or so. We all know that it once was unheard of for most women to aspire to careers involving anything other than diapering and having dinner ready on time; now powerful, professional women are on par for the course. People assume that we college girls are here in search of degrees, not diamond engagement rings. Women's horizons have broadened immensely as societal limitations have fallen away (OK, we're still making 70 cents to a man's dollar, but that's another column entirely).

How interesting that similar attitude adjustments regarding men have lagged behind. No one bats an eye when women talk of career aspirations, but for some reason, it's weird for a man to actually want to stay home and raise his children.

That's too bad, considering the problems that pop up for working couples when baby makes three (or four or five). Families all work through this in different ways, but generally, women are the ones who have to be flexible. Usually, it's Mom who takes a break from work, who downgrades her career track, who shifts to part-time. Usually it's Dad who takes on the role of primary breadwinner. Sometimes, this works to the satisfaction of both parties. Sometimes, it doesn't.

You don't have to sleep with a copy of The Feminine Mystique on your nightstand to see how this could be frustrating for women who have invested so much in their careers. But the other side of the coin needs some attention too: it can be maddening for dads who want to take a more active role in bringing up baby but feel that, socially or financially, they can't.

One way to work this out is to give Dad an equal amount of childcare responsibility. This means both parents have to rearrange their schedules, compromise with their bosses and share the carpool, but it works. And even more importantly, it's fair.

But there's another option here, an option that deserves some credit. Wow, what if Dad stayed home with the kids and Mom brought home the bacon? Women who choose to raise the family don't raise many eyebrows, so why can't men have the same treatment?

As it is, Mr. Moms provoke a host of unpleasant reactions, from snickers to outright hostility (trust me, my parents just loved the fact that an old boyfriend of mine's main ambition in life was to stay at home with the kids). People still think that any man who takes charge of the home must be lazy -- after all, a husband's main responsibility is to provide for his family, right? Anyone who willingly stays home must be a good-for-nothing slacker. It's bad enough if men are forced into childcare by situations like divorce, but what can be said for these sad fools who choose to do it?

Well, for one, taking care of children and bringing them up right is not easy. It's a full-time job in itself, it requires just as much energy as the old 9-to-5, and it's the most important work that can be done. Besides, isn't assuming responsibility for this major task and thereby freeing up the wife to pursue her career a way to provide for the good of the family as well? So much for lazy.

I'm not saying every family should go this route. I'm saying that instead of automatically assuming that Mom has to take charge of the little ones, Dad staying home should be an option.

So let's give Mr. Mom some respect instead of ridicule. But it's not as if men like my cousin pay it much mind -- he's too busy with naps, pacifiers and macaroni and cheese.

Elisabeth Kwak-Hefferan is a junior communications major from Wheaton, Ill.

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