Penn vs. Princeton: a rivalry?
Joe Falencki, The Daily Princetonian As is the tradition for such a momentous game as tonight's showdown at the Palestra, the Daily Princetonian and the Daily Pennsylvanian exchange columns bashing each other. It's the usual column -- Penn sucks, Princeton rules, etc. It is a fairly antiquated tradition that doesn't really matter to us that much, since we are after all more concerned about our main rivals, Harvard and Yale. But since the Daily Pennsylvanian gave us a call to continue it, who are we to knock tradition? So, let's start by looking at the history behind this so-called rivalry. Whereas H-Y-P (the only true rivalry) exists across sports, academics, politics and not to mention national ranking (yeah, you know you're bothered whenever we mention it), the rivalry between Princeton and Penn only takes place on the hardwood floor of the basketball court. Other than that, there really isn't much to it. We don't think much of Penn, and when we say we don't think much of Penn it means we don't dislike it all that much. We've never actually been there, but from what we hear it really ain't that bad. Some compare a semester at your campus, we've heard, to a string of nights at the State Penitentiary. Aside from what we've seen in the movies, with the advice to get to them first before they get to you, only in a jail, it would seem, would a group of hooligans beat up a kid, force him to bathe in motor oil and then attempt to light him on fire (hey geniuses, that stuff doesn't light!) I mean, what is this, fascist Italy? On the court, though, there certainly exists a bitter enmity between these two schools. In the last 14 years of Ivy League basketball, either you or us have won the title and gone to the Big Dance. Needless to say, there really isn't much to Ivy League basketball aside from the Tigers and those crazy Quackers. Oh, and a quick digression -- a Quaker? Your mascot is a Quaker? We just shiver in fear when we hear that a Quaker is going to get us. Now mind you, the rest of the Ivy League has probably the worst and most uncreative mascots in college sports -- with names like the Crimson, the Big Red, the Big Green and lest we forget, the Elis -- but in terms of weak mascots, the Quakers take the cake. Oh no, they're going to sic a bunch of pacifists on us. Sorry, back to basketball. This year's game promises to be one to remember. Kind of like the one back in 1999 at the Palestra. Oh, you don't remember? Here's a refresher: both teams came in to the game undefeated in the Ivy League. The score at halftime -- 33-9 in favor of Penn. The score with 15 minutes to play: 40-13 in favor of the Quackers. Final score: 50-49 in favor of the Tigers. Since then the game has been dubbed "The Miracle at the Palestra". But historical analogies cannot be followed religiously, lest we force ourselves into the vicious cycle of history simply repeating itself. To translate into Quacker-talk: that's not the only reason why the Tigers are going to whoop some pacifist tail. We've come to fight, and we put a handful of our best men forward to exact revenge. I need not remind you that our men are our best, most skilled sharp-shooters. They aim to kill, and their agent of destruction is something far less innocuous than Castrol GTX. They fire three-pointers, and jump shots and even move in from close range if you so desire. And while Thompson's men might not -- no, will not -- aim to kill, at least in the strictest sense, when they leave the Palestra, they will have committed a far more serious crime than assault, as far as you're concerned at least. See, when our men's basketball team leaves your arena and returns home tonight, they will have ripped the very heart and soul out of both your basketball team and the university which takes such pride in it. They will have turned the giant Archibong into a barely five-foot tall cocktail waitress named Laverne, transformed the strong Onyekwe into a mutt with his tail 'twixt his legs, made Toole finally realize what his name really is, let Schiffner know that white men can't -- that is, cannot -- jump, and let Klatsky know that no, you're not Hurley, you're not even Wojo. All in all, our basketball team will have destroyed your perfect record, annihilated your momentum, and killed your hopes at another Ivy League title, which is far worse than having a bunch of punks pour motor oil on us any day of the week.Princeton, spring for a hotel room
Andrew DeLaney, The Daily Pennsylvanian Now I may go to Penn, but I do know a couple of things. Literally. The first is that motor oil is not flammable. The second is that alcohol is flammable. Alcohol, like that (allegedly) served illegally by two former presidents of Princeton's most famous of institutions: eating clubs. For shame. At least our alleged criminals have the good grace to belong to a secret society, while Princeton's flaunt their wealth and status like Morgan and Rockefeller at an auction. But the corruption doesn't stop with charges against the presidents and a couple of officers of said eating clubs; after all, more charges could be forthcoming, according to The Daily Princetonian's interview with Borough Police Lt. John Reading. Who knew those fortresses of pretentiousness were just an outlet for your cocks of their respective walks to (allegedly, the DP's lawyer said that adding allegedly helps) serve up drinks to unsuspecting minors? That being said, the (alleged) bad behavior of a few of our blue bloods has very little relevance to tonight's basketball game. However, I would strongly encourage Princeton to spring some of its $107 trillion endowment for a hotel room and not force its (alleged) basketball team to spend a night in one of our dormitories. Since both the debate and basketball teams consist of people with below average physiques and athletic ability, the Tigers might not be safe, lest a roaming pledging event mistake them for their forensic brethren. Mind you, I am talking around the game on purpose. Mainly, because it's over right now. I know who's going to win. Princetonians, bet all of Daddy's money on Penn. My advice also extends to John Thompson III, coach of the Princeton basketball team and son of Georgetown coaching legend John Thompson. Coach, find out which casino your dad liked and roll the dice. You won't regret it. This time next year, you too could be hanging out with Danny Ainge. Penn won the two games last year by a combined 40 points. Princeton's highlight of its season was a 75-foot three-pointer at the buzzer to beat Monmouth, 70-67. Penn beat Monmouth, 98-54. The 75-footer makes for a good highlight, a decisive win over the terrible team tends to prove who has the better talent. That would be Penn. Ugonna Onyekwe is the reigning Ivy League Player of the Year, and no one on Princeton can guard him. Koko Archibong is not, but the unguardable thing still applies. Should Princeton decide to surround the twin towers with a group of short guys, Penn's three-point shooters -- Andrew Toole, Jeff Schiffner, Tim Begley and David Klatsky will ensure a lopsided final score. Princeton matches this assembled star power with Spencer Gloger. This guy could not make the worst UCLA team in two generations and yet is supposed to single-handedly beat a Penn team that beat USC, 99-61 (immediately after the Trojans beat their archrival Bruins). John "Russell Crowe" Nash could imagine a better starting five than Princeton puts out there (at least his imaginary roommate was tall). Any Princeton fans who want to come and visit the Palestra, by all means, see for yourselves what a real gym looks like. But leave before game time because the result will lead inexorably to depression. At least you know Princeton's finest students will be serving 80-proof depression-reducers back in lovely central Jersey. While we're on the topic of Jersey, does someone want to explain how you've managed to be in New Jersey and yet are near none of the things that make my home state awesome (namely: Philadelphia, New York City, the Shore, Six Flags and Freehold)? What are your respective claims to fame again? Christie Todd Whitman used to live kind of near your school. You have an overrated ice cream shop. There's a Wegman's within a half-hour of campus. You have an overpriced hotel that George Washington may have slept in. Your students mocked Nash's mental disability when he wandered around (but then bragged about Ron Howard's movie). This is what you bring before me? Better yet, don't go back to Jersey. I might actually feel sorry for you. Anyway, as for the game, Princeton will probably make all six of its attempts from the floor and commit an unprecedented 38 shot clock violations. Final score: Penn 71, Princeton 12. But all is not lost, Princeton basketball team and fans. When you are at your lowest, Dr. Cornel "grade inflation at Harvard travels south" West will be there to give you an A++.The Daily Pennsylvanian is an independent, student-run newspaper. Please consider making a donation to support the coverage that shapes the University. Your generosity ensures a future of strong journalism at Penn.
DonatePlease note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.