W. Tennis injured by airways

*This article appeared in the 4/1/02 Joke Issue* Judging by the not-so-inconspicuous absence of either or both No.1 Alice Pirsu and No. 2 Sanela Kunovac from nearly every match that the Penn women's team has played this season, it comes as no surprise that the Quakers' top-two have been mysteriously declared unavailable for the remainder of the season.

Thus far, Penn coach Michael Dowd has concocted a rash of injuries to explain the reason his top-two singles players have been missing from the lineup.

Reportedly, Pirsu or Kunovac has already been saddled with gingivitis, severe head strain, splitting ankle syndrome and ice-cream tooth soreness.

While everyone and their mother have realized that the maladies are nothing but Dowd's fabrications, the foreign-born pair and their coach resigned to admit the nature of their infirmities.

Until now.

"Me and Alice have been suffering from injuries sustained while traveling on airplanes to visit our families in Europe," Kunovac said. "My ailing knees have been caused by the lack of legroom on those goddamn cramped airplanes."

"I'm going to have to sit this year out and head back to Split, Croatia to shoot the shit with my family."

Pirsu was also willing to come forth with the nature of her ailments suffered while airborne.

"I hate those damn planes," Pirsu said. "I have to sit next to these agents who tell me what a mistake I made by playing college tennis after being pro.

"Add their incessant talking to the changes in air pressure and my ears can't take it anymore. Write as you want, but I've been out of the lineup due to -- as Coach Dowd tells me -- auditory cortex dysfunction."

Dowd -- the experienced PR man, himself -- enraged by the decimation at the top of his lineup, felt the need to explain his evasiveness as to the cause of Kunovac and Pirsu's injuries.

"I can't believe that I have to be without my top two because of ridiculous injuries like this," Dowd said. "But I have been advised by our team lawyer, F. Lee Bailey, not to disclose any information about Alice and Sanela, and so I was forced to lie to you all along."

According to Dowd, Bailey came highly recommend by AD Steve Bilsky, who has a history of enlisting the notable litigator.

In addition to hiring Bailey to kill a brewing scandal amongst Ivy League Athletic Directors that Bilsky's tan was not the result of hours spent on a Maui beach -- but rather the work of a local Philadelphia tanning salon -- it has also been rumored that Bailey has been called on to immediately liquidate all of the AD's outstanding interests in Enron Corp.

Reportedly, Bilsky's stake in the beleaguered enterprise came as the result of a donation from University trustee, David Pottruck, who --in addition to satisfying Bilsky's three-year longing for a new workout center -- also gave the Penn AD a piece of his Enron common stock holdings.

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