Sports Briefs

*This article appeared in the 4/1/02 Joke Issue*Yale students rush court after practice It was euphoria once again on the Yale campus yesterday.

At the end of a particularly intense spring practice at John J. Lee Amphitheater, Ime Archibong threw down his fourth -- fourth! --ÿdunk of the afternoon.

At that moment, over 3,000 students, faculty and Elis stormed the court for a record 17th time this season.

"It's good to be king of this particular practice," Yale coach James Jones said.

Earlier in the season, the Yale students stormed the court after victories over Penn, Princeton, Dartmouth, Little Sisters of the Poor and The Restaurant School, and after a close loss to University City High School.

Yale was criticized earlier this year for cutting down the nets after watching Penn top Princeton, which made the Elis Ivy tri-champions.

But yesterday, the Yalies did not think of the critics, as they cut down the twine once again.

"I'm going to put my piece of the net with the other 27," said Yale guard Edwin Draughan, who later revealed himself to simply be a skeleton wrapped in skin.

This court-storming is the latest in a string of New Haven celebrations over the last few weeks.

Two weeks ago, Yale fans stormed the court after the sun rose. On Friday, they incited a riot after a rousing Harlem Globetrotters victory.

Tomorrow, they are planning to celebrate when the clock strikes three.

-- Bernard Fernandez

Binge Drinking now a Varsity sport In a move designed to win more Ivy League championships, Dartmouth College will introduce men's binge drinking as a varsity sport next season.

All of the other members of the Ancient Eight have agreed to participate in the new sport, except for Princeton, which deemed itself "too wussy" for the competition.

The new Ivy League sport will begin tomorrow night with Penn hosting Yale at Smokey Joe's.

"I'm looking forward to the opener," said Penn captain Sub Stockman. "Finally, my debilitating alcoholism will serve some sort of purpose for the common good."

-- Billy Dee Williams Everyone named to first team All-Ivy Everybody's a winner! Hooray!

You're all such very special people, and it's our pleasure to report that every athlete in the Ivy League -- including a few from other leagues -- has been named first team All-Ivy.

In fact, even you, the reader, received an honorable mention.

Isn't that special? Yay!

-- Your First-Grade Teacher

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