Indecent Exposure * April 1 -- A female University student reported that a man jumped out from under the Button, dropped his pants and began masturbating in front of her at around 1 a.m. The student was able to reach police after two attempts, when she finally found a blue light phone that worked. When police arrived on the scene, they arrested Undergraduate Assembly Chairman Michael Bassik, a College senior. Police said UA member Aaron Short, a College sophomore, was also taken into custody, but was later released after he annoyed the shit out of them, over and over again. Armed Takeover * March 30 -- Several armed men wearing scrubs and surgical masks stormed the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania at around 10 a.m., demanding that control of the money pit known as the Health System be turned over to them. While no one was harmed, several hostages were held until the gunmen surrendered later in the day. Police investigators said the men planned to call the Health System a non-profit company and fool everyone into thinking the financial problems were over, but became discouraged when they realized that was already happening. Robbery * March 30 -- The Commerce Bank near 38th and Walnut Streets was robbed yet again, officially making any person who still trusts their money with this particular branch of Commerce Bank a complete idiot. Oh, by the way -- guess where the DP keeps all its bucks?
All information was purposely omitted from the University Police logbook in order to maintain the facade that crime rates are down. We're onto your tricks, Maureen Rush.
-- What's Eating Gilbert Grape?
