JOKE ISSUE: WACKOS: Monday, April 10, 2000

[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Ariel, we're after you To the Editor: After coming upon Ariel Horn's column, "Spring break in the 'burbs" (The Daily Pennsylvanian, 3/22/00) as I was rummaging through a garbage can outside of Wawa, I was shocked and appalled at Ms. Horn's flippant disregard for the feelings and emotions of squirrels. My name is Sparky, and I am a squirrel who has been living on Penn's campus for five years. Never in my whole squirrel life have I ever seen a column speak so cruelly about her relationship with squirrels like myself. This is the second time Ms. Horn has made reference about hurting squirrels; a column last semester mentioned kicking them and last month's column mentioned "pelting large rocks" at them. I implore Ms. Horn to stop promoting such violent behavior toward squirrels. We may be small and furry with rabies, but words still hurt, as do the rocks that she regularly tosses at us in between classes. Sticks and stones do break our bones. Sparky furioussquirrel@hotmail.com To the Editor: As college students are certainly aware, tremendous breakthroughs have occurred in recent years regarding technology. One such capability present in the world today is "mind-control technology." This is why I believe so many sons of prominent leaders have no trouble getting elected today. Politicians and prominent citizens are using mind-control technology to get their sons placed in elected office. This is why former CIA Director and President George Bush has had no trouble getting two of his sons elected to high office. Also, Al Gore has had the same benefits given to him by his former Senator Daddy. As I suspect George Bush told his two sons, "As long as you can keep your hair combed, no one will ever suspect you are shitheads. I will make you both national leaders!" Please consider assisting me as I attempt to overcome burdens of persecution and censorship in America. I truly wish all college students well. Joe Kinney Plainfield, Ind. To the Editor: I think your paper is good but it would be better if you had more articles relating to horses. Horses are magnificent animals and I think that we take them for granted. They have multiple uses: you can ride them, show them and use them to perform tasks. In this "modern" world we live in, people forget that horses have feelings to. So in conclusion I think that there should definitly be a section dedicated to the glory of horse. Amanda Devon Rutgers University To the Editor: I religiously read the DP online here in Canada; I enjoy staying up-to-date on campus activities, as well as reading the opinion columns. However, I've applied for a much-coveted spot in the Class of 2004 and, thanks to your over-zealous coverage of Penn's admissions ("Record number of applicants apply to Class of 2004," DP, 3/9/00) I'm suffering from massive heart palpitations! In the future -- for the sake of the hypo-confident applicant (who faces tougher competition each year) -- please try to tone down Dean Stetson's overt enthusiasm for wait lists and sky-high SAT scores! Giselle DeGrandis Toronto, Ontario