COLUMN: Free stuff: What we all want

From Daniel Septimus', "I Know My Last Name is Septimus," Fall '00 From Daniel Septimus', "I Know My Last Name is Septimus," Fall '00A study in Hamilton College House has proven conclusively what most of us have long suspected: As a general rule, American college students will perform an action beneficial to someone other than themselves if, and only if, they are given sufficient material rewards.From Daniel Septimus', "I Know My Last Name is Septimus," Fall '00A study in Hamilton College House has proven conclusively what most of us have long suspected: As a general rule, American college students will perform an action beneficial to someone other than themselves if, and only if, they are given sufficient material rewards. The study is considered to be very accurate because the subjects, Hamilton House residents, were unaware that they were even being studied.From Daniel Septimus', "I Know My Last Name is Septimus," Fall '00A study in Hamilton College House has proven conclusively what most of us have long suspected: As a general rule, American college students will perform an action beneficial to someone other than themselves if, and only if, they are given sufficient material rewards. The study is considered to be very accurate because the subjects, Hamilton House residents, were unaware that they were even being studied. Students leaving for classes on Tuesday were assaulted by colored streamers, balloons, signs and Hamilton House volunteers announcing the arrival of Portal Day. A Folklore major erroneously explained that, "Portal Day is a celebration of the first Leap Day of the new millennium." An anonymous Wharton sophomore said that given the fact that school was in session, he's "pretty sure that Portal Day is the same thing as Martin Luther King Day." They're both wrong. Portal Day was actually the final stage of an elaborate academic investigation. Last year, a Penn research team launched a study to determine whether college students are in fact as selfish as they seem. Are students willing to participate in a new activity if there are no immediate material rewards? Or, will students only participate in something if they receive some benefit in exchange? The study was performed by comparing results from a controlled experiment last year with the results of this year's Portal Day festivities. Here's how it all went down. About a year ago, a metal security booth was set up in Hamilton's lower lobby. The security booth featured a hand scanner with the capacity to identify a person and determine if he or she was authorized to enter the building. Students were asked to take time out of their busy schedules and register their handprints. They were told that ID cards were outdated and that anyway, "it's harder to lose your hand." However, aside from these motivating words, students were given nothing in return for their participation. Several students -- most of them devoted fans of The Jetsons -- did register but, overall, there was an unenthusiastic response to the University's new gadget. And, alas, the hand scanner was eventually removed. A year passed and no one seemed to miss the innovative security booth. Then came Portal Day. On Tuesday, the study that began last year was finally completed. A new portal was set up in Hamilton House's lobby. Students were again asked to take time out of their busy schedules to register their hands. And once again, this was just a front. The real goal of Portal Day was to test whether responses to the hand scanner would be significantly different if material rewards were given to students who registered. And so, free gifts were distributed to all those who complied with the request. Six-packs of Coke and T-shirts were given away to all registered hands. There was food, too. Officials at Dunkin' Donuts told us that the enormous supply of Munchkins available for ingestion was unprecedented for a non-Wizard of Oz related event. And as the authors of the study had predicted, the response was impressive. Students lined up in droves to have their hands scanned and receive complimentary fixes for their caffeine addictions. The amount of registered hands far surpassed last year's numbers, and everyone was all smiles. But would those suckers be smiling if they knew they were mere pawns in a shameless attempt to prove that students are shameless when it comes to free stuff? Would they be so willing to stuff their faces with donut holes if they knew they had just proved how ruthlessly capitalistic they were? According to the study: "It has long been assumed that students at colleges like Penn are exponentially more likely to partake in an optional activity if free soda and/or T-shirts are distributed in return. We now have sufficient evidence to support this hypothesis. We have no interest in making any value judgments about these findings. We are here to report the facts and the facts indicate that material reward is the single most influential impetus for action." Perhaps the desire for material benefits reflects an evolutionary inclination toward survival. However, it may also reflect an attitude that assumes that activities performed for others are services that always require compensation. I'm not sure we'll ever know. Then again, maybe we can find out. We could ask students to fill out a questionnaire in exchange for some free pizza.