COLUMN: Frat boys of the world, unite!

From Ron Lin's, "Intellectual Pornography," Fall '00 From Ron Lin's, "Intellectual Pornography," Fall '00I don't belong to a fraternity. Better yet, I don't belong in a fraternity. Nonetheless, like most people here, I've been greatly affected by the institution, whether through friends or through parties. There's nothing to which it compares. The Greek system is an anomaly of organized behavior, an unparalleled singularity in which men and women of college creed gather together in blissful cooperation.From Ron Lin's, "Intellectual Pornography," Fall '00I don't belong to a fraternity. Better yet, I don't belong in a fraternity. Nonetheless, like most people here, I've been greatly affected by the institution, whether through friends or through parties. There's nothing to which it compares. The Greek system is an anomaly of organized behavior, an unparalleled singularity in which men and women of college creed gather together in blissful cooperation. Or is it? Why perceive the Greek system as an anomaly when you can find existing structures that can tell you plenty about it? You see, it's quite simple. The Greek system is like a labor union for college-aged men and women. Let me explain. Despite all the noise and bustle, according to U.S. News & World Report, only 22 percent of students here belong to a fraternity or sorority. The system exerts a considerably stronger influence for its disproportionately small size. Just consider the large Greek representation on the UA in recent years. In fact, unions do very much of the same thing. Representing no more than maybe one in 10 workers in the U.S., union workers usually yell louder than their non-union counterparts. They have organized representation in government. In fact, just about everywhere you look, you'll find small things making big statements -- the universal Napoleon complex. Has anyone noticed how small Dr. Ruth is? But it's not just a matter of a small body having a large voice. The parallels between labor unions and the Greek system are uncanny. The AFL-CIO has the Hebrew Actor's Union; the IFC has TEP. Out there, you'll find the Federation of Professional Athletes. In here you get ATO. There's even an International Brotherhood of Teamsters (I.B.T.) -- and we're blessed with ZBT. But I think there's a little Teamster inside every ZBT boy just dying to get out. Fraternities and sororities are well-evolved, economical mechanisms for facilitating interactions between males and females. Sure, the civic stuff is great and I'm ecstatic about the contributions the system makes to charities. Let's face it, though. Just like union workers bargain for better benefits, higher wages and job security, Greeks bargain for benefits -- rich social lives, booty, Ethernet in their houses, more booty and, of course, annual replenishments of young recruits every spring. Booty and Ethernet! What else can there be? The AFL-CIO says it best: "Union members earn more money, have better benefits, are more productive and have greater job security than non-union workers." Certainly, Greeks extract obvious benefits from their inclusion in the system. They also have a higher average GPA than the general student body. How's that for productivity? Instead of job security, Greeks have serious "booty security." Unlike me and my roommates, they don't struggle from paycheck to paycheck, hand to mouth, mouth to hand. Between mixers, formals and the inherent advantages of having a Saint Bernard bigger than a Hummer, Greeks have constant outlets for meeting members of the opposite sex. Sorority girls dig frat guys. Frat guys dig sorority girls. When asked about a date, the first question out of a Greek's mouth is, "What house is he/she in?" We secularists just ask for names. Naturally, no study has been done to conclusively confirm the "Booty Hypothesis." But unions guarantee job security -- and you can't argue with proven models. Like labor unions, Greek life reached its peak roughly 20 to 30 years ago, when membership brought you a certain status unattainable through other means. However, a history marred by mob ties, underhanded dealings and the decline of America's manufacturing base has left labor unions a "former shadow of themselves," as MIT economist Paul Krugman puts it. Greek life around the country has met a similar fate. While still a sprawling and influential component of campus life, it can barely compare to the former strength it once wielded. Today, chapters are being shut down around the country for fear of litigious parents and irresponsible behavior. Just like labor unions and their precarious relationship with employers, Greeks teeter on a thin line between friend and foe of the University. Struggling to maintain a sense of benevolent legitimacy, Greeks have tempered their behavior and message over the years to accommodate social change. No more kegs on Locust Walk, hazing restrictions, B.Y.O.B., "dry" rush and, fortunately, no more "Elephant Walk." Similarly, labor unions have found themselves uncomfortably positioned in the so-called "New Economy." The world is opening up to globalization and liberalization, despite what happened in Seattle. And in a period with a bewildering growth of opportunities -- on game shows and the Internet -- a tight labor market is pulling educated workers out of collective-bargaining schemes and into the world of stock options and entrepreneurship. Increasingly, today's workers do not seek job security in the form of stability and organization; rather, mobility and flexibility are the chosen paths to contentment. Being in a union represents a vital means for defining and labeling a worker -- Teamsters proudly wear those fashionable jackets and sporty caps flaunting their membership. Similarly, Greek membership is commonly used as a quick and easy means of identifying a person. While scabs for labor unions are the workers that violate strikes, Greek scabs are the iconoclasts that break rank and bring home a date from outside the system. In the end, labor unions and Greeks share a vital characteristic -- either you're in, or you're out. Greek life is about the freedom to collectively organize into an effective mass of college men and women seeking a social safety net. And I applaud these efforts at maintaining collective bargaining structures within the University setting. In the end, being against Greeks amounts to being against unions. And as everybody knows, never screw with the unions.

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