JOKE ISSUE/IN THE HUMBLE OPINION OF KEN WILDES: Upon further review?

No alcohol for immature brats. No more dessert in the dining halls either. And we'd like to see spanking make a comeback. No alcohol for immature brats. No more dessert in the dining halls either. And we'd like to see spanking make a comeback. We'll make it real simple. We know you're probably drunk right now. We have no clue where you ever got the idea that your opinions matter. Do you think they take surveys in the Bronx before they decide on drug policies? Did they ask you before they decided to take back the night? You must be stupid or something. Lucky for you, we know everything, so now we're going to tell you how decisions get made. This woman named Jen Baldino sits at a desk in College Hall and thinks up "policies." Jen is a little bit bitter. She went to Temple. Then, she calls Judy and Bobby and tells them what to say. Then, they call us and tell us what to say. And student consultation? Let's lay out the student leader thing for you. Samara Barend. What, exactly, do you think it takes to get your own committee? We'll give you a hint: When Judy says "jump," you say, "how high?" But we shouldn't pick on Samara. Each and every one of you is also Judy's bitch. What, exactly, were you planning to do about this alcohol plan? [Note to Bill Conway: Besides whining.] Yeah, we know the cops were waiting outside your door at 2 a.m. when Wanda the Freshman finally wandered outside. No, we don't think they should have been there, either. You have the right to get freshmen drunk. How else are you going to get laid? And we cannot find the words for the plight of Phi Sigma Sigma. We also think Judy should introduce them to their crushes. Not that it would be much fun without alcohol. Of course, you could always have a rally for, ahem, "student representation." Can we ask you a question? If Judy announced a new policy permitting underage drinking in the Palestra, High Rise North and everywhere in between, just how angry would you be about the lack of student consultation? It's all about the underage drinking, baby. Just how many students are there who can actually buy beer? No, not at Billybob's. So can my 10-year old sister. In conclusion, we think the new alcohol policy is a good, no, great, idea. We were about to suggest it ourselves, only nobody actually cares what we think. Wait, we're not supposed to say that. P.S. The next time you think someone cares, please consult this handy reference guide: 1. Judith Rodin, University President Did you see your name? Then sit down and shut up.