COLUMN: A column unlike other columns

From Emily Lieff's, "Sassy Peach," Fall '99 From Emily Lieff's, "Sassy Peach," Fall '99Tired of eating matzah? Feeling that just one more ring jell is going to make you convert? Congratulations! You are just hours away from sinking your teeth into the leavened product of your choice. Flour, yeast and legumes can all be yours at sundown. But, before this Passover is just a memory, let's look back on the moments that make this holiday what it is. Q: Why is this night different from all other nights? A: On all other nights we eat in peace, but on this night, we are forced to spend the evening with irritating relatives. After all, what would Passover be without hearing about Aunt Sophie's gall bladder and Uncle Richard's tax returns? Then, there is the perennial favorite -- the relatives who try to butt into your personal life, to set you up with the perfect husband/wife, to inquire about your medical history and even try to steer your career (I just want to say one word to you -- plastics.) On all other nights, we feel confident about our choices in life but on this night we are made to defend each and every move that we have made over the past year. Plus, we are made to listen to debates about who truly is the best chiropractor in Boca Raton. On top of it all, we spend most of the evening fighting with cousins about who gets stuck playing the dreaded "simple son" when reading through the seder. Q: Why on all other nights do we eat all kind of herbs but on this night we eat only bitter herbs? A: Because Jews like really bad food. Think about it: Matzah, chopped liver, gefilte fish -- ick! In the words of Jon Stewart, host of Comedy Central's The Daily Show, "Gefilte fish looks like tuna fish that has been passed nasally." I couldn't have said it better myself. If you want to taste the worst of the worst, try eating at Hillel this week. By the seventh or eighth straight day of mystery meat, even chewing becomes a chore. Plus, Jews have to force down four cups of Manischewitz wine at each of two seders. Not only is the wine absolutely undrinkable but it seems to have trouble remaining upright. Has there ever been a Passover seder where at least one person didn't spill their entire glass on Grandma's good white tablecloth? Not in my house. Q: Why on all other nights we need not dip even once but on this night we do so twice? A: Mainly because the Maxwell House Hagaddah told us to. These translations of the Passover service are passed out free at local grocery stores and serve, for most Jews, as the only link to our ancestors who were enslaved in Egypt a good 3,000 years ago. For most of us, a great percentage of our religious observance is dictated by Maxwell House, which truly makes you think. I think the only step down from a coffee company handing out religious philosophy is the fact that currently the world's best-known Jewish thinker is Adam Sandler. If Moses knew, he would roll over in his grave. Q: Why on all other nights do we eat sitting upright or reclining but on this night we all recline? A: Because, despite Passover's many quirks, we actually enjoy all of this. Even with all of the inconvenience of not being able to eat bread for a week, it still remains my favorite holiday. It is all of these traditions that make it fun. There is something inexplicably comforting about opening the door in order to let a prophet come and eat with you and watching your whole family comb the house for a hidden piece of broken matzah. So once a year, we can sit back, relax and take it all in. After all, how often do your ancestors get freed from Egypt? It's a big deal. So, sink your teeth into that last piece of matzah and truly enjoy. Only 357 days until we get to do it again.