COLUMN: Diary of an outsourced man

From Daniel Fienberg's, "The Fien Print," Fall '98 From Daniel Fienberg's, "The Fien Print," Fall '9811/10/98 I In theory, I shouldn't have been shocked when I read in the paper today that the University bought my apartment block, at 39th and Pine streets. Sure, I hadn't fully appreciated that my rent checks had been going to a mysterious P.O. Box since August, but I should have been tipped off earlier. After all, rather than discussing the end of my residential agreement, my lease discusses my "outsourcing." Ah, well. I certainly hope that the school doesn't change anything in my neighborhood. From Daniel Fienberg's, "The Fien Print," Fall '9811/10/98 I In theory, I shouldn't have been shocked when I read in the paper today that the University bought my apartment block, at 39th and Pine streets. Sure, I hadn't fully appreciated that my rent checks had been going to a mysterious P.O. Box since August, but I should have been tipped off earlier. After all, rather than discussing the end of my residential agreement, my lease discusses my "outsourcing." Ah, well. I certainly hope that the school doesn't change anything in my neighborhood.11/21/98 Actually, I've grown to love having Penn as my de facto landlord. Yesterday I explained to my roommate that we've now become a community living floor. Well, actually we're two Long Island residents short of the school's traditional definition of a community, but in a vote that he actually missed, I elected myself program manager. I've already informed him that as such, I get free room and board. He seemed confused, but after I promised that I would use his activities fee to buy pizza every once in a while, he agreed that I've taken great steps to improve diversity on our floor. 12/10/98 Not surprisingly, the University refused my request to fund a new wide-screen television and sound system for my apartment. My pleas that such an entertainment technology overhaul would revitalize West Philadelphia fell on deaf ears. My pleas that the new gizmos would revitalize my own social life met with similar disregard. My last-second plea to get a prominent film star to put up half the funding resulting in a stern note from President Rodin informing me that while Ernest Borgnine is an Oscar winner, he is hardly a large enough celebrity to justify a press conference. Ernest was greatly discouraged. 12/21/98 Ever since the University acquired my building, I've seen Stanley Chodorow hanging around outside. It doesn't bother me when he begs for a job, but he really must stay out of my garbage can. 1/6/99 I returned from vacation today to discover that a band of mice sacked my kitchen. The rodents who only ate the crumbs that were out will probably get off without penalty, but the little buggers who used my toaster, my dishes and the oven.... I contacted the University and I expect a response any day now. 1/14/99 Any day now. 1/17/99 Still waiting. 2/7/99 I've been told that Penn wants to take action, but that "chief exterminator" is just one of many positions that they still need to fill. I suggested the mice in my brownie pan may be a higher priority that finding new deans for the law school and school of government. Their response? Oh, they need deans, too? 2/27/99 Well, I don't need to worry about my cooking problems. A SWAT team busted into my apartment last night as I was boiling pasta. They came, they said, to remind me that pasta could be readily purchased at the Moravian Cafes or from University Dining Services, and it would be in my best interest to remember that fact . 3/1/99 Occasionally, I stop to ponder the conundrum of wishing to live off campus, out from under the thumb of Big Brother, while begging the school to expand its security coverage, the riddle of trying to escape from the computer labs and scanners which render on-campus living a kind of cold technocracy while praying for more modem pool time and dreaming of ResNet. Who would want to live a life of such confusion? Or at least that's what I say when I'm near professors and staff, the predators who are going to kick me out of my comfy abode. 3/19/99 I'm not sure that the University has the right to charge me $75 a semester to walk up and down the four flights of stairs to my apartment. Still, the explanation that the University provided me with the stairs and therefore deserves some kind of compensation for any physical benefits that I incur as a result seems too confusing to argue with. 4/21/99 The University has decided that it is too difficult for the residents of the 3900 block of Pine to get between buildings. They have suggested a multi-billion-dollar enclosed walkway to join the houses. When I explained it wasn't so important to me to avoid getting wet and that it certainly wasn't worth not having access to, well, my home during construction, I had the finances of the so-called Clinique Corridor explained to me. I must confess that I understand things better now. When I asked for an estimated date of completion, the woman on the other line just laughed. I received a pretty but complex schematic in the mail today. I feel better, I guess. Confused, but better. 5/1/99 Somehow the University feels that buying up a desirable block of off-campus housing and destroying a beautiful University City New School are priorities for empowering West Philly. Personally I'd rather see the abandoned Acme (the biggest eyesore in blocks) turned into something productive, like a bowling alley, a jazz club or a big bookstore, like a Borders. We need more of them. But anyway, I've decided to negotiate with the administration to turn my kitchen into a 24-hour diner and my living room into that bowling alley I mentioned. If you want tangible change, sometimes you have to do it yourself. I just hope I don't get charged for repairs. Those Teamsters rates will kill you. On May 30, The Fien Print was outsourced. It was replaced by a crew of new columnists from Trammell Crow. Only time will tell if you notice the difference.