The Quaker is back with a puffy head

As the new mascot, I can only say how excited I am to be a part of the great Penn Athletic tradition. The mascot has a history and tradition as rich as any other Penn institution. The first athletic contests at Penn were nothing like the epic battles we see today, but one thing has remained constant over the years -- a Quaker on the sidelines. Back in the day, all Philadelphia college teams were referred to as Quakers, since good ol' Willy Penn founded the city so long ago. While the other schools went on to adopt Dragons, Hawks and Explorers as their mascots, Pennsylvania held firm to the Quaker. In olden times, people took everything literally. Thus, the mascot had to be an actual religious Quaker. Yep, if none was available, the Athletic Department was forced to go downtown to Friends Select School in Center City and pull some Quaker kid out of Meeting for Worship and make him come to Franklin Field and stand on the sidelines, yelling, "Let's go, Penn!" Since those Quakers from Friends Select are a notoriously rowdy bunch, the kid would usually get agitated at his forced cheerleading, and start getting wise with people in the crowd. By the end of the third quarter, the fans would be so fed up with the kid that they would throw things at him, such as highball glasses, stadium benches, and even other fans. Consequently, a lot of these Friends Select kids got crushed and died. And now here I am, in 1998, and still people have questions about the Quaker. I figured I'd take this space to address some of the most frequently asked questions people have for me. Are you supposed to be William Penn or Ben Franklin? Or Christopher Columbus? The answer is none of the above. I'm just a big goofy Quaker! Do you think Ben or William would really run around and do push-ups and try to kick field goals? No way, they were too busy founding the state and country. And as for Columbus? do you know anything about American history? Is it hot under that head? Yes. Very. What's your real name? The Quaker. Can I get some of that candy you throw out in the stands? Sure. Just don't sneak up on me. My peripheral vision ain't what it used to be. Can I get my picture taken with you? Certainly. That's why I always have that big smile on my face, so I'm always ready for a photo op. Do you get paid to do this, like the St. Joe's Hawk? Not at all, this is a labor of love. The reason they have to pay the Hawk is because no one would willingly subject themselves to the humiliation of being a public supporter of St. Joe's athletics without proper compensation. Yeah, let's see St. Joe's coach Phil Martelli come up with a humorous quip for that one! Who are your greatest influences? I think the Phillie Phanatic is the best sports mascot of all time. I'm trying to talk the administration into buying me an ATV to drive around, but the talks are stalled for now. Anyway, the Phillie Phanatic and Nipsey Russell are the two people I look up to the most in this world. Do you just get really, really drunk before each game? Nope. That would be unethical. I have to deal with little kids at these games, and what kind of example would a drunken mascot set? Come on, really. You get plastered before the games, don't you? You have to! No, I don't. Listen, you try getting up early on a Saturday morning to tie a load on before a 1:30 game, then put on a 10-pound head and run around Franklin Field for three hours, then you won't think it's that easy. I can barely do it sober. Why does the rest of the Ivy League suck so bad? That question is beyond me, my friend. I only deal in mascots. I may be an oxymoron, but I can tell you that if our basketball team makes it to the NCAAs this year, I'm going to take the time to practice a few new moves instead of walking around like a goon in a ratty old Tiger costume like that poseur school in New Jersey. And I don't think the rest of the League even has mascots. I don't really see how you make a costume based on a color like a Big Green. What's the meaning of life? Um, again, we're leaving my area of expertise. All I know is that the Quakers are the best, and those Yalies and all the other schools can go wallow in their patheticness. There you have it, folks! I hope this has helped you gain an insight into what goes on inside that huge head. So cheer loudly, clap hard and keep on supporting those Quakers. And remember to ask yourself, "Do I really want to throw this piece of toast at that wonderful Quaker?"