Marrow accepts extra year of eligibility - again

The defensive lineman has decided it would benefit his future plans to return to Penn next year. He's ba-ack! Football player and part-time Penn student Mitch Marrow announced yesterday that he will return for an unprecedented sixth football season. "I couldn't go out like this," Marrow said. "After all the knowledge I have received from this institution, I just wouldn't feel right leaving now." Since impressing scouts with his performances in the Senior Bowl and pre-draft workouts, Marrow has recently seen his stock plummet. Before a workout at Franklin Field last weekend, players were given playbooks to learn. When it was Marrow's turn, he seemed unable to remember the play. After three attempts, he muttered something in disgust and stormed off the field. One observer claimed he said, "I don't need to study. I'm already taking two other classes." Many insiders feel that these antics are what dropped Marrow from respected draft analyst Mel Kiper's list of his top 60 prospects. "Kiper's a moron," Marrow said. "He's anti-Semitic and anti-athletic. My mailman knows more about football than he does." The binge drinking that followed Kiper's announcement left Marrow in bed for three days. On the request of his mother, who didn't want to pay Penn tuition for her son to sit in bed, Marrow went to Student Health. "Apparently Mr. Marrow's drinking caused his mono-like virus to flare up," said Student Health representative Jamal Hibbard. Hibbard explained that rather than completely disappearing, a virus only goes into remission. If a patient is not careful, he added, it is not unusual for the virus to become even more serious than before. This incident sparked an announcement from the Green Bay Packers, who had previously expressed interest in drafting Marrow, that he was not the type of person they wanted in their organization. "With all the drinking that goes on in the NFL, there's no way he'd stay healthy," Packers quarterback Brett Favre said. But the real story here is the redemption of the Penn Athletic Department. They were previously ridiculed for not preventing the Marrow situation and then chastised for trying to cover it up. Part of the agreement with the NCAA called for every member of the department to read the book of NCAA guidelines cover-to-cover. Instead of a hassle, this last minute addition turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Sports Information protege and part-time DP sportswriter Scott Miller stumbled on a clause that allowed Marrow to return for another year of football. "Instead of doing my homework like I usually do on Saturday night, I felt like doing something fun," Miller said. "I bought a gallon of ice cream and curled up in bed with the book of NCAA rules." Miller's exciting night has already made Penn the prohibitive favorite for next year's Ivy League football title. Section C, Rule 69d. states that "? an athlete does not forego eligibility for time spent as a part-time student." While this rule does not account for part-time students who still participate in college athletics, the NCAA announced that it is disappointed in the University's behavior but it will not challenge Marrow's eligibility. "Normally we would threaten sanctions for such a blatant disregard for our rules," an NCAA representative said. "But since this is only Ivy League football, we have decided it is just not worth the trouble." The rule book apparently was being wielded by Miller around the campus and nearly created an injury situation when he swung it around at lunch at the Class of 1920 Dining Commons. "I am just glad it didn't hit my penis," College senior John La Bombard said. But before Marrow could be allowed to return, the Athletic Department has agreed to wait for the approval of University President Judith Rodin. "We're not technically breaking any rules," Rodin said. "Besides, my staff has calculated that if we can win the conference championship in both football and basketball next year, we would pass Princeton in the U.S. News rankings."