COLUMN: Run, run as fast as you can

From Mitch Marrow's, "I'm Going to Pump You Up," Fall '98 From Mitch Marrow's, "I'm Going to Pump You Up," Fall '98Hello, I'm Mitch Marrow. You may remember me from such Daily Pennsylvanian articles as "Marrow claims ineligibility was 'innocent mistake'" (12/4), "Marrow links prof's 'bias' to 1995 plagiarism case" (12/5) and "Marrow ineligibility forces Penn to forfeit games" (1/12). You see, I'm taking an independent study course with Legal Studies Professor Ken Shropshire this semester entitled, "Getting Away With Murder and Other Capital Crimes." Because of a little trouble I had in the past, the College office has asked me to present periodic reports on my progress to the student body. As you might imagine, the course is really hard. I have to read at least two books by the end of the semester, and for my final project I have to put together a 150-word essay. But for this, my first installment, I will outline what I've learned about the basics of your basic beginner's crime -- otherwise known as the flim flam scam. This sort of crime requires one to successfully scam -- most often to the tune of several thousand dollars or a season of wins -- a gullible member of the University community. Candidates for potential victims are plentiful on this campus. Athletic Communications Gimp Shaun May, Academic Affairs Guru Robert Koonce and Eligibility Uncoordinated Denis E. Fikes have been among my favorite targets. After choosing a victim, you need to secure an alibi. My regular fallback is Student Health. Go in with symptoms ranging from fever to compulsive twitching and they'll tell you that you have either mononucleosis or strep-induced tonsillitis. When both the throat culture and blood test come back negative, they'll be so baffled they'll credit you with a "mono-like virus" for lack of a better explanation. With this diagnosis, no one will ever suspect you capable of taking a full class-load, let alone committing a crime. For the actual perpetration of the scam, stand outside of your victim's bank until he has to use the MAC machine. Approach cautiously and offer him a wallet full of money and a percentage of profits from a Nike contract if they will give you $10,000 and five course credits "to show good faith." Once you have the money and an official transcript in hand, play dumb. Refer all questions about your checking account and academic standing to your lawyer and mother, respectively. They will vouch for your integrity while you bask in the glow of media attention. If caught in a tight spot, accuse both Mellon Bank and the registrar of religious prejudice. My standard line is "You're only attacking me because I'm Jewish and a football player." It always works for me, and I'm sure it can work for you -- that is, unless you're a Muslim hockey player. Well, I must be off to fight off those persistent Green Bay coaches. I hope you enjoyed my column. Next week, read about how I grew four inches and gained 40 pounds during my time at Penn without ever being officially accused of using steroids.