Ivy Roundup: Phallic Cosmologists Edition

We here at Ivy Roundup are feeling shiny and happy. Not because we are looking forward to Cornell's newest phallic symbols (to take the place of Eric Wong), erected as tribute to Carl Sagan, but because we kicked some Princeton ass. Nothin' like a good old Princeton butt whuppin'. But enough about us, let's talk about who we needs? The Make-Over of the Week Perhaps needing a good make-over at the Clinique counter, or looking for a good book to read instead of watching the football game or simply to get out of those awful plaid pants and jackets and into some Penn clothing, the Princeton band members headed, tails between their legs, into the Bookstore before Saturday's epic encounter at Franklin Field. Instruments in hand, if you know what we mean, the Tigers' musically-challenged band blew their own horns. And blow they did. Not only did they manage to stop Homecoming traffic entering the Bookstore, but they belted out a rendition of "I Got Rhythm" which showed a complete lack of unison, tempo and, of course, rhythm -- much like their heroes' offense in the last 10 decades or so. Also similar to the on-field felines, the band didn't get far either. "They only came in to a certain point," one Bookstore official said. "People just looked at them." We at Roundup don't recommend looking at anyone from Princeton, let alone listening to them. Unable to cause any sort of significant disruption, the band even lost to the Penn Band -- and that should tell you just how asinine they really are. The Phallic Symbols of the Week "Carl Sagan, who explained the mysteries of the cosmos and popularized the idea of nuclear winter [and that is a mighty popular idea nowadays, isn't it?], died in Seattle at age 62?" or so read the obituary of a certain Cornell professor, even though it was written two years in advance of his death, with the dates left blank. Yet in recognition of looking to the stars over the course of his life, the bucolic city-state of Ithaca, N.Y., built a whole bunch of little obelisks for all the world/cosmos to see. Spread all over the cow pastures of upstate New York, these phallic symbols are supposedly representative of each planet in the solar system. Now before we jumped off a bridge in excitement for this noble project, we wanted to find out just how much involvement Cornell had in honoring the only professor to walk its campus but not have a nameplate on his door (they kept getting stolen). Actually, they had no involvement. Still they are on the model. From the obelisk representing the sun to the pint-sized George Washington Memorial representing Earth, it is 47 paces. If you want to invest 10 minutes of your time, you can walk from the sun to Pluto at a simulated rate of four times the speed of light, which is the also the rate at which Cornell's defense is giving up points this year. According to Sagan's widow, "By walking through it, we can bring ourselves to face our true circumstance in the universe, that we are part of the fabric of nature, not the center." Maybe that's why the largest phallic symbol in the model, Cornell's well-known McGraw Tower, is a four-hour walk from the "sun". The Build-Up of the Week The Quakers are coming to Cambridge, Mass., with only the Ivy title on their minds. Make that Ivy titles. The Penn gridders are ready to take on the Crimson, but according to one Harvard student, no one is going to show up. "No one really cares about athletics here," Ethan Drogin said. "I'm not really sure how many will show up." Thank God. The goalposts are safe. One group of people we know won't show up is the Sports staff of The Crimson. The staff, composed of five editors and two writers, bailed when we at Roundup challenged them in a post-game football contest. "I'm not sure if we have enough people," Drogin said. "We're still trying to see if there are enough who want to play." In other words, no one will be showing up for that game either. We at Roundup suggest hiring ringers from your business staff. Bribing the officials isn't a half bad idea, either. Regardless of whether the varsity team emerges with a victory and a share of the Ivy League title, at least one Ancient Eight football crown will find its home in West Philadelphia this season. The Tip-Off of the Week Princeton kicked off its winter season yesterday in spectacular fashion, getting drubbed by Texas, XX-XX in the first round of the Coaches for Caancer Tournament. According to coach Bill Carmody, the loss of Sydney Johnson took away the team's heart and soul, but that was no excuse for the following blunders: · Brian Earl getting drilled in the forehead by his own shot. · Putting coach Bill Carmody to asleep while the Tigers were on offense. · The Dictionary of the Week Here are the alternate definitions to the terms in the official 1997 edition of the Cornell Daily Sun (not to be confused with The Associated Press) Sports Dictionary. All terms have appeared in the rag this fall. · Stickwomen -- Cornell women. · Lightweight -- Eric Wong, or the Cornell Daily Sun Sports Staff. · Spikers -- Ithaca, N.Y., hair stylists. · Harrier -- Cornell women's legs in January. (See Stickwomen) · Sophomores -- Anyone on the basketball team. · Booter -- Freshmen after too many jello shots. ·EIcers -- Ithaca, N.Y., officials who make the roads slippery.

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