Ivy Roundup: Ignorance is Bliss Edition

We here at Ivy Roundup are sick of midterms. But hey, who cares if we failed 'em all -- ignorance is bliss, right? Well, at least that what it seems like at other so called "centers for higher learning" around the country. It seems no one has an answer for anything or has the faintest idea of what the hell is going on anymore. And no, we here at Roundup can't calculate the mean, variance or standard distribution of that for you. But we can bring you a chance to strip away the plague of ignorance with another bigger-than-dining-hall portion of Ivy Roundup. POLITICAL UNKNOWN OF THE WEEK. Last Saturday, Brown faced the Rams of Rhode Island for the "prestigious" Governor's Cup. Curious to know more about this fabled trophy, a Roundup associate contacted the vanquished URI staff to discern how distraught they were to lose the Cup to Brown, 23-15. Needless to say, the staff was a wealth of knowledge. After leaving us here at Roundup on hold for a solid 10 minutes, URI's sports info staff had all the answers we needed. On the importance of the loss, "I don't know." On how many year's the Governor's Cup has been contested, "I don't know." On the name of the current governor of Rhode Island, "I don't know. Let me check." That's okay. We didn't care. APATHY OF THE WEEK AWARD Dartmouth is quickly closing in on the record for consecutive unbeaten games by a Division I-AA football team. But it seems no one in Hanover, N.H., is paying much attention. Now, we at Roundup are well aware of the cultural vibrancy of Hanover, but it seems like at least someone should know how many games Dartmouth has gone unbeaten, or who currently holds the record which they so desperately covet. But alas, our in depth survey could find no one. Big Green student Matt thought that "Penn or Montana" had won 34 straight. Nick, on the other hand, had "no idea" on either question. Finally, 15-year old Julia, visiting her brother at Dartmouth and apparently pining for early admission to Brown, thought the Bears once won 26 games in a row. Miraculously, Roundup's survey staff happened upon Ben C. Wallace-Wells, the former sports editor of The Dartmouth Review. "The Oracle of Knowledge," as he is known in Hanover, knew Dartmouth has gone 22 games without a loss, but was stumped on the other one. It's Penn. The Quakers went 24 games without a loss between 1992 and 1995. "There's no question in my mind we'll break it," Ben said. Don't count on it. WAKE ME UP I'M DREAMING OF THE WEEK Could it be that Princeton is really 4-1? Yes, the Tigers pulled another stunner last week by bagging Patriot leader Colgate, 31-28. But to hear Ann Bready, athletic communications director at Princeton's rival College of New Jersey tell it, Princeton is a sham. "They won, but it was ugly," Ann said of the Tigers 9-7 win over Fordham which was played at C.N.J. "There were a lot of people there, but it really wasn't much to watch." We here at Roundup couldn't agree more, except for the notion that an attendance of 3,700 constitutes "a lot of people." Ann expressed shock that the Tigers could be winning games after losing to Rowan, 20-9, in a scrimmage this fall. "Rowan had been practicing a week and Princeton hadn't, but even still, Rowan is Division III," Ann said. Roundup uncovered the reason behind Princeton's miraculous play. Before the players started the season, they signed a deal with the university stating that if they had a winning record after playing all 10 games on the road, each player would be instantly graduated and freed from their dreary homes in New Jersey. Inspired by the chance to earn their freedom -- they know the degrees are worthless -- the Tigers have bought off their opponents in an effort to rack up wins. KNOW YOUR ABC'S OF THE WEEK Roundup has uncovered a source which could help turn either Columbia's or Yale's season around. Since both the Lions and the Elis are clearly befuddled by basic football principles, we think that they might have more success if they work on their physics instead. It seems that Penn's own Howard Brody has never been contacted by either team's staff to work on their skills. That's stunning ignorance given that Brody is one of the country's leaders on the topic of physics in sports. After earning his degree from athletic powerhouses M.I.T. and Cal Tech, Brody has arrived at Penn where he specializes in tennis. The snub, however, has not prevented Brody from exploring the world of football. NFL Films hired Brody to produce a video about the physics of football. The video would surely be a boon to Yale and Columbia's football teams, who would hopefully understand the concepts of gravity and torque better than they do blocking and tackling. But then again, ignorance is bliss, and, thanks to college football's overtime rule, one of them has to win this weekend when they square off.

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