Ivy Roundup

Forgive us, we here at Ivy Roundup are still recovering from last weekend's debacle. No, our suffering stems not from Penn's loss, nor from wasting a night at Sig Ep's cheap beer, $5-charging, lip-syncing band, reggae party. It comes not even from our sad realization that Chelsea has left the nest. Our disaster finds its home in the Franklin Field press box, in which we became nauseated from the case of Mountain Dew that Athletic Communications forced down our throats and deaf from the ranting and wall-pounding of Penn's assistant coaches who never ceased arguing about animals they had just seen at the zoo. Nevertheless, we vainly fight on to bring you, the paying public, one more taste of victorious Roundup. BIG MOUTH OF THE WEEK The highlight for most of the crowd at Saturday's football game was the brief glimpse they got at a sign hanging from the second deck -- "Hey Penn, stick a big dick in Dart's Mouth." The jerks from Event Staff soon put an end to the show of enthusiasm, but we applaud the courage of these renegades to let it all hang out. So we want names and proof -- there's a fitting reward in it for you. BAD ACTOR OF THE WEEK Speaking of sucking, was that really Peter Sellers lining up at quarterback for Dartmouth? Didn't he die in 1980? Could it be that the star of the Pink Panther movies and Dr. Strangelove, who got his big break by creating a show called The Goon Show, really has returned to guide a new set of goons? We sent our intrepid Roundup expert on the subject for clarification. Darla, a 33-year old sensuous brunette from Ohio, set up a World Wide Web page to answer all our questions about Sellers. Darla's extensive collection of Sellers info was a valuable resource, and we will be sure to return to her page if we ever have questions about her other favorite subjects, Battlestar Galactica and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Check out Darla's glamour shots at http://members.aol.com/dam-sel16/darla1. PERFORMANCE OF THE CENTURY It's a wonder that legendary coach Carm Cozza didn't fling himself to his death from the Yale Bowl stands after watching new Elis head man Jack Siedlecki get pummeled by Brown, 52-14. The ugly statistics are endless. The Bears gained 629 yards, a school record. They were up 35-0 at half. They scored their first touchdown on a reverse to backup quarterback Anthony Ames, who threw it 36 yards for a score. Yale started its first freshman quarterback since 1905 on Saturday after preseason injuries sidelined its first and second stringers. The honored Mike McClellan proceeded to throw more interceptions (4) than completions (3) before being yanked at halftime. It was Yale's worst loss ever to Brown in 102 meetings, and it was the worst season-opening loss ever for the Elis. And things may get worse. Ali, head sports nut at The Yale Daily News told us here at the Pink Palace that "there is no way in hell that we will win a game all year. We lost to Division III Union in a scrimmage. We will not be close in an Ivy game. Not with our quarterback and not with our offensive line." Sounds right to us. ONE-HIT WONDERS OF THE WEEK Could it be that Columbia won't be able to repeat last year's miraculous second-place finish in the Ivy League? Yes. Columbia got drubbed, 45-7, by Harvard as the Crimson rolled up 303 yards on the ground. Columbia's return to the wonderful world of futility had us here at Roundup wondering if Columbia might fare better against the University of British Columbia. Sadly, no game could be arranged. After vanquishing the Calgary Dinosaurs, 34-18, last week (sorry, no rouges to report), the Thunderbirds of UBC are busy preparing for Shrum Bowl XX against the SFU C(K)lansmen.

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.