This article appeared in the joke issue. Members of Fraternal Order of Police Pennsylvania Lodge 113 -- which represents University Police officers -- were shocked yesterday when they read several "questionable" provisions in their recent contract agreement with the University. In addition to a requirement that every officer must make at least one arrest each day, the contract also explicitly forbids officers from entering the Uni-Mart convenience store at 40th and Locust streets. But Division of Public Safety officials were also surprised by some of the contract's fine-print clauses, particularly the ones allowing officers to carry extra weapons and turn on a patrol car's sirens even when they are not responding to an incident report. University Police officers had been working without a contract since August 1 until last week's agreement. Director of Police Operations Maureen Rush adamantly refused to comment on the terms of the contract, citing an agreement between the FOP and the University not to comment on the contract to the media until the year 2097. "For the last time, I can't comment on anything," Rush said, although she admitted that some things slipped by the University's crackerjack negotiating team. University Police Cpl. and FOP Lodge President Hugh "Bucky" McBreen also declined comment on the newly discovered contract terms, but expressed anger at the provision that officers could no longer frequent Uni-Mart, their "favorite pit stop." "When you went in there, everyone knew your name," McBreen said, noting that Philadelphia Police officers are still permitted to shop at Uni-Mart. "It was like one big happy family." McBreen added that University Police officers are currently searching for a new campus convenience store in which to loiter. The 7-Eleven at 38th and Chestnut streets tops their list, he said. "Wawa might have Taco Bell, but 7-Eleven's Super Big Gulp is just an unbeatable deal," he said. Public Safety Managing Director Thomas "Tommy Boy" Seamon refused to comment on the contract, but explained that University Police officers who do not meet the one-arrest-per-day requirement for three days will be immediately fired. "It will be like, 'Three strikes and you're out,' " Seamon said. "A lot of other police departments are starting to do the same type of thing." Seamon -- who said he expects a high level of employee turnover from this new requirement --Eadded that Public Safety should have no trouble filling the vacancies left by fired officers. "I mean, we had over 30,000 applicants for those 20 people we just hired," he said. FOP attorney Dianne Sheppard, however, expressed delight at the clauses she said the FOP's negotiators "sneaked in there." "Our guys will be able to carry two, four, even seven guns," she said. "Criminals won't even want to go near the University of Pennsylvania campus anymore." Sheppard added that the FOP has been fighting for the siren clause since the contract negotiations began approximately eight months ago. But Rush said she is worried that University Police officers will now turn on their sirens in non-emergency situations, such as when they need to refill their stomachs at Wawa. "We have to say to them, 'Look, you can't run red lights just to get that last Boston Creme donut,' " she added.
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