COLUMN: To boost attendance figures, Palestra needs alcohol

Adam Etra, Commentary Adam Etra, CommentaryThis article appeared in the joke issue. Actually it is two words. Words that bring a smile to my face. A phrase that all across America has had people lining up at the concession stands for countless hours. Words that every Quaker truly enjoys. And those words are none other than "Beer Here!" As a Penn fan through and through, I feel it is time that Athletic Director Steve Bilsky and President Judith Rodin get together and allow the consumption of alcohol at the Palestra. Of course, everyone attending a basketball game would need the proper ID to get a frothy beverage. Plus on those painful nights when the Penn women's basketball team is down by 30 in the first half, what else would be better than a nice cold one? Aside from the comfort of having a beer at games in the Palestra, it might also boost attendance figures next season. For years, fans attending professional sporting events have had the option of drinking beer, why not give college students the chance and why not have Penn lead the way? There is no question that once the Red and Blue allow their historic gym to sell beer, other Ivy colleges would follow. Who hasn't heard of Dartmouth's drinking problems? Especially when the janitors have been seen cleaning up the rum bottles lining the bleachers of Thompson Arena. The thought of beer in the Palestra brings to mind the first time I ever attended a baseball game. When it came time for the crowd to sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" in the seventh inning, my father (already sloshed) proceeded to substitute beer in for peanuts and Cracker Jacks. His song went something like this: "Take me out to the ball game, Take me out to the crowd, Buy me some beer and then some more beer, I don't care about the rest of this fuckin' song!?" Actually my father's drunken rendition lasted a lot longer (and included several more obscenities). And it does pertain to baseball and not basketball, but hey, Penn students are smart and you all get the point. One person who empathized with my father story was Penn Director of Athletic Communications Shaun May. Referred to as "Michelob Man" by many of his collegiate buddies, May went on for hours about some old Irish tales of drinking and revelry. May's response was filled with glee as he chuckled, "It sounds like a good plan to me." Also supporting May is his drinking buddy, Penn men's basketball reporter for the Philadelphia Inquirer, Kevin Tatum. The Philly native who has been known on occasion to confuse Cornell with the Big Green has strong feelings regarding the thought of beer in the Palestra. "Yea I hope they serve alcohol next season," an inebriated Tatum said heading out of Smoke's. "That way I will not have to sneak it past those idiotic guards in yellow uniforms." Finally after sitting down and having a long chat with Bilsky on this matter, the ex-Quaker guard felt beer might induce a "riotous atmosphere at the Palestra." With these sentiments in mind there is just one phrase that needs to be said: "Bilsky, Show me da' beer!" Note: Adam's father is currently attending weekly AA meetings, but things are beginning to look up for the one-time gymnastics Olympian.