COLUMN: Oh, Franklin! My Franklin!

From Joel Chasnoff's "Ferrari Krishna," Fall '96 From Joel Chasnoff's "Ferrari Krishna," Fall '96On Hey Day, a senior's odeFrom Joel Chasnoff's "Ferrari Krishna," Fall '96On Hey Day, a senior's odeto his Penn education. From Joel Chasnoff's "Ferrari Krishna," Fall '96On Hey Day, a senior's odeto his Penn education.The author would like to thank Walt Whitman for his willingness to let his work be exploited. Of course, Walt Whitman is dead, which may have contributed so said willingness. I've finished my requirements, the degree I sought is won. There is one thing that you can do to make my education better, Please tell me, if you think you can, what is an Art and Letter? But wait? What is that stench? What is that foul aroma? It must be cow dung, no, wait, I see, It's just my Penn diploma. Oh, Franklin! My Franklin! They didn't get to play! Our b-ball team is lowly in the NC-double-A. Maybe it's our mascot, the sad and gentle Quaker, You can't expect much from a guy who's just an oatmeal maker. Dear Quaker! My hero! My heart is filled with scorn! You were not meant to catch a ball, You were meant to harvest corn. Oh Franklin! My Franklin! Upon leaving my last lecture, I took a walk and was awestruck by our campus architecture. It might take a bit of cash, but no matter what the cost, We need to find something better than "Covenant" and "We Lost." But, oh! What beauty! What artistic perfection! I call it "Battling Tampons," Or maybe, "Five Stages of Erection." Oh, Franklin! My Franklin! I just don't understand her. How could she take a guy like Gregg and turn him down for tenure? He's certainly deserving of such a high reward, And did they not grant tenure to esteemed Professor Ward? Do not seek out dear Dr. Ward, He has not posted bail! Perhaps he'll teach his classes From a cell in county jail. Oh, Franklin! My Franklin! Rejoice! The end is near! We'll never have to read again the words of Crystal Clear! And maybe, just like Judy said, Sir Lance will get a life, And as for Mr. Eden, maybe he can sue himself a wife. But take a closer look! And what is it you see? A group of boys who like to have Their names in the DP. Oh, Franklin! My Franklin! These flannel shirts are stylin'! I guess that's how they all must dress in the country of Long Island. It isn't easy to fit in, and you feel like a dork, When you're the only guy in your dorm who isn't from New York. But before you come to Penn It's only fair I warn ya, There's also quite a crowd that hails From Southern California! Oh, Franklin! My Franklin! It's becoming such a hassle! They've given in, and they're making room for frat boys in the Castle! "Diversify the Campus!" but that's just a load of talk -- I see 14 frats but still no Women's Center on the Walk! But hark! Listen closely! Who controls our school? The rich white men are contributing To our needy alumni pool! Oh, Franklin! My Franklin! There's nothing left to see! I spent four hours watching Locust Walk, the hit of UTV. It's time to turn my back on you, to bid farewell to Ben, It all comes down to memories of what we've done at Penn. And whether you read Buddah, Or the Bible, or the Mishna, It's time to say one more good-bye, This one to Ferrari Krishna.