COLUMN: Animal rights

From Jason Brenner's "My 20 Inches," Fall '96 From Jason Brenner's "My 20 Inches," Fall '96Eden Jacobowitz says 'waterFrom Jason Brenner's "My 20 Inches," Fall '96Eden Jacobowitz says 'waterbuffalo' marred his reputation.From Jason Brenner's "My 20 Inches," Fall '96Eden Jacobowitz says 'waterbuffalo' marred his reputation.But what about the herds ofFrom Jason Brenner's "My 20 Inches," Fall '96Eden Jacobowitz says 'waterbuffalo' marred his reputation.But what about the herds ofreal water buffalo, grazingFrom Jason Brenner's "My 20 Inches," Fall '96Eden Jacobowitz says 'waterbuffalo' marred his reputation.But what about the herds ofreal water buffalo, grazingon the plains of Asia? From Jason Brenner's "My 20 Inches," Fall '96Eden Jacobowitz says 'waterbuffalo' marred his reputation.But what about the herds ofreal water buffalo, grazingon the plains of Asia?Alex, I'll take "Water Buffalo" for $100,000. Just when we had almost forgotten about this ludicrous excuse for a scandal, Eden Jacobowitz decided to add some gasoline to the seemingly subdued fire with his announcement of a civil lawsuit against the University. Three years later, the buffalo boy hopes to profit from his mistreatment -- hey, it's the American way. Ol' Eden's swinging for the fences and trying to net a cool hundred grand from the University for its breach of contract and "reckless intentional infliction of emotional distress." Aren't we laying it on just a bit thick, Eden? If I could sue the University every time it "intentionally inflicted emotional distress" upon me, I would be a rich man by now. Please allow me to explain. The University sent my freshman year grades to my parents, thus incurring upon me enormous "emotional distress," stemming from a rambling parental tirade involving management of time and responsible consumption of alcohol and other things to which I was not paying any attention. Monetary cost of emotional trauma: $50,000. (Hey, they just wouldn't shut up about it, OK?) The University also forced me to eat at Dining Services -- my mistake, in that instance it intentionally inflicted gastro-intestinal distress. Cost to me: countless morbid hours on the can. I was also the victim of a sinister University plot when my advisor refused to allow me to serve as a teaching assistant for Education 592: Concepts in Human Sexuality. In that case, my God-given right to watch pornos for two hours, while receiving college credit, was maliciously denied. So Eden, I hope you can see that you're not the only victim of "reckless intentional infliction of emotional distress" here at the University. If you ask me, the true victims in this case are not the five African American sisters of the Delta Sigma Theta sorority to whom Jacobowitz directed his anger. Jacobowitz himself is not the victim, either. The real victims here are the thousands upon thousands of water buffalo working their tails off -- no pun intended -- to produce milk for our brethren in Asia (I swear, look it up in Encyclopaedia Britannica). They never hurt anyone and now they find themselves in the midst of a ridiculous controversy at Penn. You see, until this little incident, water buffalo never knew that their species name could be used as a nasty insult. Sure, jack-asses have known for centuries that their designation insults a great majority of people. But water buffalo generally wandered around without the faintest idea that their species name could possibly serve as a harsh stigmatizing term -- that is, until Jacobowitz shattered their false perceptions and sent them all spinning down paths of depression and alcoholism. (If you've ever seen an alcoholic water buffalo, I think you'll agree that it's not a very pretty sight.) I suppose one could therefore surmise that Jacobowitz "recklessly and intentionally inflicted emotional distress" upon the score of innocent herds of water buffalo roaming the Earth. With thousands of affected water buffalo suing for damages, this case could cost Jacobowitz a quite a large sum of cash. Better get out your checkbook, Eden. Jacobowitz told the DP last week that he filed his suit because "I felt alienated from the Penn campus and if I wasn't such a strong person, this case could have caused permanent emotional damage to me." You see, water buffalo have feelings, too. When they find themselves the victims of "reckless intentional emotional distress," they have a great deal of trouble producing milk for farmers in India, Pakistan, southwest Asia and Egypt. All of a sudden, people around the world can't get their much-adored water buffalo milk, cheese and yogurt products. Water buffalo pizza parlors go out of business. Ben and Jerry's water buffalo ice cream stores go bankrupt. Trust me, it can really become a messy situation. Fortunately for all of us, water buffalo don't watch ambulance-chasing lawyer commercials all day long and didn't feel the need to tie up the American judicial system with yet another useless lawsuit. Maybe being called a "water buffalo" isn't so bad after all. Maybe water buffalo know a lot more than simply giving milk and plowing fields. Maybe ol' Eden could learn a thing or two from our 2,200-pound friends in Asia.