COLUMN: Home sweet home

From J. Christopher Robbins' "Don't Tread on Me," Fall '96 From J. Christopher Robbins' "Don't Tread on Me," Fall '96A college house systemFrom J. Christopher Robbins' "Don't Tread on Me," Fall '96A college house systemoffers the only way to fixFrom J. Christopher Robbins' "Don't Tread on Me," Fall '96A college house systemoffers the only way to fixPenn's Department ofFrom J. Christopher Robbins' "Don't Tread on Me," Fall '96A college house systemoffers the only way to fixPenn's Department ofResidential Strife From J. Christopher Robbins' "Don't Tread on Me," Fall '96A college house systemoffers the only way to fixPenn's Department ofResidential StrifeA 70-year-old marketing brochure I recently unearthed at University Archives describes Penn's dormitories as affordable, attractive and comfortable. The booklet features vintage photographs and pretty prose, and is an alarming reminder of how times -- and conditions in the dorms -- have changed. First, cleanliness is a serious problem in the dormitories. As a residential advisor of two years, I know that bathrooms, supposedly scrubbed each weekday, can be hazardous to your health. Furthermore, hallways are often depositories for stains, splotches and other foul residues. Residents spot dust balls large enough to use knitting sweaters. And getting common areas cleaned can take weeks, sometimes months. Dormitory security is also laughable. And no surprise: many Allied Security guards are little better than Keystone Kops. I and other RAs have witnessed dozens of guards who sleep or read on the job. Then there are the rodents of unusual size. One resident told me she thought there are more mice, ants and cockroaches in the Quadrangle than freshmen. In addition, fire safety equipment can pose a problem. Community House's has a mind of its own. Numerous times last semester, alarms sounded for no apparent reason at the worst possible times. And if there's a fire, don't use the old water fire-extinguishers, cautions John Cook of Fire and Occupational Safety; they could get you electrocuted! Once upon a time, Penn had efficient door-to-door delivery of mail and newspapers. No more. Mail Service now is a joke. Packages are left unattended, sorting rooms are left open in the middle of the night and damaged and opened mail is commonplace. Many employees curse at students, kick packages, lie to us and make the postal experience miserable. The offenders should be fired. In addition, our mail rooms should sell stamps. Another failed bureaucracy is Physical Plant. Problems, caused by a combination of idiocy, incompetence and indolence, abound. On a given day, for example, the University will replace flagstone sidewalks and plant grass on campus. But a few days later, reckless Teamsters Local 115 drivers crush the stones and turf the grass with their three-ton trucks. Nor are Physical Plant employees a sampling of Ivy League industriousness: when not leaving a mess greater than the one they find, they watch television, smoke and play cards. A far worse example of this behavior came three years ago. After hearing low-pitched, vocal ejaculations from inside a service closet, I noted the room and later returned with friends to inspect it. I found a stained futon, a Hustler magazine and bag of potato chips. And sometimes, RAs also observe criminal behavior. Last semester, a group of us found a storage room stocked with some unusual items. Police took into evidence a mountain bike, computer monitor, light fixtures and a small mirror with razor blade. Response by Residential Living to both simple, everyday problems and severe, systemic deficiencies is slow and often combative. Sometimes RAs find it necessary to go above the heads of their superiors to get results. Yet even good faith efforts to secure better student services brought about charges of "racism" when I and another RA sought help from Associate Vice Provost for University Life Larry Moneta, who gets things done. Said our superior, Associate Director of Residential Living Zoila Airall: "I just wonder if the person in my chair were white and a male, if you would keep going over my head." Residential Living inculcates incompetence at all levels -- especially at the top. Although we are trained to be sensitive, selfless and emotional, there is no focus on upkeep, service and sanitation. Instead of preaching about "the merits of multiculturalism," administrators should instruct us on how to make dormitory life cleaner, safer and quieter. The dorms don't need social workers or diversity-engineers, they need competent administrators. And residences don't need multiculturalism -- they need clean halls, sanitary bathrooms and an environment conducive to our academic and social pursuits. So, how to fix this broken system? College houses, in the spirit and tradition of dozens of English and American universities, are the answer. They will heighten the intellectual climate on campus, provide better options for students and make more money for the University. RAs, graduate fellows, faculty residents and people who care will have the power to make their residences special places. Independent college houses would, preferably, have completely independent budgets and resources and report directly to the provost, because the current bureaucratic and centralized Department of Residential Living is simply unworkable. In 1894, the Board of Trustees was asked to erect a dormitory system "unequaled by any?in America." The new system sought to enhance the undergraduate experience, raise student and alumni spirit, and make campus more conducive to social and academic pursuits. If we abolish Residential Living and replace it with the human-scale college house system now under discussion, this vision of excellence for our dorms will be attained.