DPOSTM to be led by reckless driver, goon and Clueless

Compiled by Swamis Everywhere Let's start with Mr. Jeff "Herschel" Wieland. Even since he arrived at Swamis world headquarters, he was indoctrinated with the DP philosophy that the only way to move up the corporate hierarchy was to sleep your way up. Following lineage of Mr. Glass, Ms. Horn, Dr. Dingiss, KB Toys, Mr. Figel, and of course, Potato Head Ornstein, Herschel went and found himself a Weenie. Her name is Lippy -- she's pretty short, speaks funny and enjoys whiteout. Now, we at DPOSTM normally scorn such events, especially for a highly touted Swami, but his writing skills and commitment to excellence (as well as a lovely turban) earned him a top spot here. "He basically just sits around," the little Weenie said of her beau. We here at DPOSTM have learned that that sitting around is normally done a la white trash -- in his favorite Eagles jersey (Bobby Taylor) with a Double Big Gulp of Dr. Pepper. "We've been dating on and off since February," the Weenie continued. "He has this commitment problem. He thinks he's God. He's told me that during that Joan Osborne song. He's also pretty mentally unstable." Unstable, that sounds sort of like his driving. As he takes his Red Rocket, some tiny-ass vehicle of his, up into the frozen tundra of New Hampshire to visit Chicken Hutch (not Chicken Hut for all you Chicawgo natives out there) he goes careening all over the highway. On one occasion, that careening left him on a Boston sidewalk with only three round tires. It was pretty ugly. Being from California, the poor chap has a big problem with all this cold weather. But, Lippy does a good job of keeping him warm, we imagine. Another lineage that Herschel, as well as his co-editors carry on, is his inability to perform on an athletic field. He can only write about it -- and in Jeff's case, talk about it. "He thinks he has Jordanesque flair, but he's a crip," said a Tone Loc look-alike at the admissions office. "He keeps trying hard out there. I definitely give him an A for effort and intensity, but I've never even seen the kid make a free throw. I don't know how good his game is. Maybe he should play in one of those wheelchair leagues." Other sources said Herschel was afraid to shoot the rock down the strech in a tight intramural game recently. His Sigma Nu crew lost by one. Shocker! Herschel's cohort in leading DPOSTM to glory for another year is Eric "Jasper" Goldstein. Jasper is no Olympic athlete himself (he was named first-team all-Kamin Cup, though). During his extensive high school baseball career behind the plate, he had the esteemed honor of getting his ace pitcher four strikeouts in an inning. After the third, the Big E let a swinging third strike slip past him and roll all the way to the backstop. To say the least, his pitcher was less than pleased and his baseball career was -- oh shall we say -- finished. So is Mrs. Nixon, but we digress. So, Jasper moved on to hockey. But, since his skills were something less than up to par, Eric played a physical brand of hockey. After getting a wee bit too frustrated and getting into one too many fights on the ice, Jasper got not only himself, but his entire team kicked out of the league. "He was the team goon," best friend Jason Linkes said. "He was always in the penalty box. He was always getting in fights and that led to our team not being invited to any more games." So, Jasper took to DPOSTM and its hallowed halls when he got to Penn. Rumor had it, he was Al Bagnoli's last cut, but we ain't buying that. Once he got to the Pink Palace, he did not follow Herschel's amorous pursuits (but that strategy has its Merans). According to Linkes, Jasper is still trying to recover from his high school prom, where he took not one, but two foxy ladies. Jasper had his hands full that evening. "He didn't have a date for his senior prom," Linkes said. "So his acting teacher got these two girls to ask him. The problem was they both ended up asking him and they both outweighed him by a ton and a half." As if this wasn't enough, Jasper actually had more problems with members of the opposite sex the next year. No, not Lippy. Jasper and Jason were trampled by a pair of lesbians at a Pitt-Seton Hall hoops game as the dynamic duo tried to storm the court. Traumatic to be sure, but it couldn't have been as bad as the prom. So, when he got to Penn, Jasper tried to concern himself with sports only. However, he has a curious infatuation with the tallest Quaker currently not playing for academic reasons. "Whenever he sees Vigor [Kapetanovic]," roommate Jason Marbutt said, "even if he's all the way across the street, he has this urge to sneak up behind him just so he can measure himself agaianst him." Yikes. Watch your back, Vigor. Because of these two wackos, DPOSTM needed a third element to balance a potentially volatile equation. For better or worse, the answer was Mike "Clueless" Hasday. Clueless earned his name from a cohort who watched the young scribe bury his head in a cooler looking for a a tasty beverage as a key goal-line sequence was taking place at Franklin Field during the 1995 football season. As Associate Sports Editor, the Clueless one is in charge of wrapping turbans, assigning stories that do not exist, and inviting phantom dates to banquet. At a blackjack table in Atlantic City, Clueless lived up to his name. During the time he lost half his money, and some of Jasper's, in two hands, he kept yelling "hit me" to the dealer every time he wanted another card. The dealer calmly explained that if he wanted another card, he needed to knock on the table -- the appropriate hand gesture. "Hit me," Clueless said. Frustrated the dealer once again repeated the instructions. Clueless tapped on the table. He gets dealt a two. Clueless, needing yet another card, says, "hit me." Clueless, according to his sister Lisa (a Yalie -- isn't that special), is an excellent baseball prognosticator, having won hundreds of dollars from his high schools mates. However, when Clueless went up against the pigskin big boys here at DPOSTM, he fared most unwell, stuggling to a mediocre finish in the 1995 Swamis race. We look for better things next year. "He likes to twirl pens," Jill said. "That's his big thing." His big thing, huh? Other DPOSTM sources have found that he also enjoys the taste of a Bic every now and then. One of his cohorts once innocently picked up a pen, only to be sloshed by a wad of saliva. His freshman hallmate Barach noted that Clueless has caught the attention of a few damsels, but is hesitant to reveal any information that may be -- well revealing. So, all in all, DPOSTM is in pretty good hands, don't you think? Who are we kidding. Start reading news. No, that won't work either. After all, they'll always be Weenies.