COLUMN: Order in the court

From Tom Nessinger's "Inseparable My Nose and Thumb," Fall '96 From Tom Nessinger's "Inseparable My Nose and Thumb," Fall '96The older lawyer leaned over to his younger partner, sitting beside him at the counsel table in court. "You know, I feel like Hannibal after he crossed the Alps," he sighed in mock exasperation. "No more battles to fight." Sadly, there are too many of these boneheads in the legal profession. From the faux-gunslinger antics of Gerry Spence to the irritating quasi-machismo of Barry Scheck ("How about that, Mr. Fung?"), the legal profession has come to lionize those who personify the lawyer-as-warrior ethic. The paradigm of litigation these days is lawyer-as-hired-gun, doing battle on behalf of his or her client. Small wonder that so many attempt to bolster their own egos by buying into the warrior persona. What these would-be Schwarzkopfs don't seem to get is that unlike a soldier, they face no personal risk in performing their duties. The difference between being Rambo and being F. Lee Bailey is the difference between being on a SWAT team and a debate team. Nevertheless, the lawyer-as-warrior myth persists. Perhaps it's not hard to understand. Litigation has become a refuge for some pretty loathsome personalities. Many, though not all, trial lawyers have truly miserable personalities, and rather than try to change they've opted to make money off the very same traits that make the rest of us want to give them a shot in the mouth. Indeed, since they probably got beaten up a lot as kids, they now try to bolster their egos by posing as something they're not: Guerrilla-lawyers, taking out the trash, kicking ass and taking names, insert your favorite action movie catch phrase here. Sure, we can laugh at them, but that won't stop them. We can feel sorry for the poor benighted souls, but it's a waste of good pity. What we can do is help them live up to their self-image, to make them the mercenaries they see in the mirror every morning. And I have the solution. Introducing "Danger Court." The idea of Danger Court is very simple. It's a trial-level court, but one in which the attorneys are at personal risk. It's a totally voluntary system. The judges, witnesses, clients and jury are all protected from harm, but the attorneys themselves face various random perils to life and limb. There may be trap doors that open unexpectedly onto crocodile pits. There could be sporadic bursts of machine-gun fire (does Armani make a wool-Kevlar blend suit?). Claymore mines in the counsel chairs. Tarantulas in the exhibit binders. The thing is, it's completely random -- the attorneys won't know what's coming. And the survivors will be able to strut through the courthouse, knowing beyond a reasonable doubt they're the meanest, toughest, baddest litigators in town. The beauty of Danger Court is that it'll pay for itself in television rights. Think of it as a cross between Court TV and American Gladiators. People would punch holes in their remote controls to watch a real live lawyer wrestle a grizzly on his way to cross-examine a witness, or tightrope-walk over a nest of scorpions while arguing a motion to suppress. It would make the WWF look like the PTA. So what if the audience is rooting for the scorpions? Admittedly, trial by combat is nothing new -- they used to have it in England, but the clients had all the fun. With Danger Court, the advocate can truly put her life on the line for her client. The incentive for the attorneys, apart from validating their pathetic existences, would be a cut of the revenue, much as in professional boxing. And don't forget the endorsement possibilities -- maybe Nike will start a line of black wingtips: "I'm Johnnie Cochran, and I wear the 'Counselor Cross-trainer III.' Nike: Just sue it!" Oh, sure, some ninnies will complain that this makes a mockery of the judicial process (as if that hasn't already happened). There'll be some candy-asses who'll whine that litigation is about dispute-resolution, not total warfare. Wimps. When you realize the enormous potential profits for the court system, and consider that the lawyer-as-gunslinger types aren't going to go away anyway, it only makes sense to let them take the risks inherent in the office of Warrior-at-Law. Danger Court is the way to go. Get in on the ground floor. Me, I'm investing in scorpion ranches.