IVY ROUNDUP: Elias still talkin'; Seifert dreams of Big Red; Hu stuffed

We here at Roundup feel sort of like French-speaking people in Quebec -- comme la merde. You know, we really didn't mind our Quakers losing to SUNY-Harlem (think we do that joke enough?) or the scholarship boys of William and Mary. But to lose to Princeton, of all things -- gee whiz guys, we think you're paying too much attention to your studies. We here at Roundup suggest Cliff Notes and cheating on tests. Well, to make us feel better, let's focus our attention on better days in Penn football. Oh, way back when, the Quakers stuffed Princeton star running back (fertilizer for brains), Keith Elias en route to a crushing victory over the pussy cats en route to an undefeated season en route to immortality. That leads nicely into our first section, the... Keith Elias' Foot in the Mouth of the Week Mr. Elias, currently removing splinters from his New York Giants ass, complained to The New York Times (which can no longer say it's the 'Paper of Record'; now it is the 'Paper of an Idiot') that the Ivy League should be allowed in the playoffs. Said the mohawked one: "There will always be a bias against football. Football is a blue-collar sport. It doesn't fit the Ivy mold. It's not an Ivy sport; it's not rowing." Keen observation, Keith. Elias continued: "I'd sit in the president's office until he allowed us to play." Ah, the consummate student-athlete. Yo Keith, perhaps you are having the... LSD Flashback of the Week Roundup's favorite SportsCenter anchor, Keith Olbermann, was quite the perceptive sage in pontificating about 49ers coach George Seifert's state of mind during San Francisco's downing at the hands of the expansion Panthers. On SportsCenter (editorial note: CNN's faux-de facto-pseudo-quantitative-quasi-SportsCenter does not even come close to the real thing), Olbermann opined that Seifert was in the midst of a "Cornell flashback," during the defending Super Bowl champs embarrassing loss to expansion the Carolina Panthers. Yes, kids, Elvis has left the building and Seifert's quarterback Grbac has left the hospital. Sorry, we digress. Now, these were strong words by the Sporty one -- after all, Olbermann, himself, was a Big Red chewin' gum alum. So he knows how bad these flashbacks can be. Despair, depression, and the urge to jump into a gorge are all symptoms. However, in all fairness, Olbermann might have been referring to the fact Seifert went 3-15 as coach at Cornell in his younger days. Roundup suspects having Jerry Rice and Steve Young was key in improving Seifert's winning percentage. But even the Big Red never lost to an Ivy League expansion team (unless Brown counts). But enough about Cornell (which currently has a better record than the Quakers), let's focus on a team that really sucks. Just How Much Does Harvard Suck of the Week Now let's see. Harvard is 0-5 in the Ancient Eight, which is quite an impressive accomplishment for those arrogant twits. The I-Can't-believe-I-Got-Into-Harvard-With-My-SATs boys lost to a Brown team that usually does not play defense, 47-8 -- there really are no requirements, there. However, we here at Roundup, the bastion of journalistic (dis)integrity, did not want to rush to the painfully obviously conclusion that Harvard sucks. Instead, we'll present both sides of the story -- from the vantage point of the nearly empty offices of the Brown student newspaper to the vacant desktops of the Harvard rag. So the following is... The Brown Side of the Week For the Brown point of view (as seen through the choking marijuana smoke), Roundup contacted the Sports Editor of the Brown Daily Herald. He told us that the Crimson's star running back, Eion "can I buy any more vowels" Hu only had one yard for either the first half or the whole game (Roundup has to improve its handwriting when taking notes). Thus, the absence of any Huroics (ow, that hurt), contributed to the rout. Anyway, the editor's conclusion about Harvard: "dismal, really awful. They're not going to win a game." To paraphrase: Harvard sucks. So now, here is... The Harvard Side of the Week We contacted a sports editor at the Harvard Crimson. Here is what he had to say: "On Saturday, it was just ridiculous. No emotion. Just terrible?The punter is a candidate for Team M.V.P?Usually we're confident we can beat Yale [a team that sucks]. I'm not confident we could beat anyone?such a disgusting beating?you don't quote me on this stuff, right." To paraphrase: Harvard sucks. The Conclusion of the Week Harvard really, really, really, really [repeat: 1,510 (760 Math, 750 verbal) times] sucks -- but they have a good chance at beating us next week. Just joking, Bags. All we ever do is joke. And we always take some sort of crap for it too. Them's the breaks.

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