GUEST COLUMN "Tyranny Disguised As Residential Living Precautions

Beginning this week and continuing into the winter, agents of Residential Living intend to inspect rooms across our campus. In doing so, Residential Living Director Gigi Simeone and her staff hope to ferret out any health and safety violations. We contend that their motives are ulterior and their actions -- if carried out --violate our rights as students. According to Residential Living documents and a letter mailed to the freshman class, effective immediately, unannounced and uninvited inspectors shall be dispatched across the residences to enforce a despotic and tyrannical code of regulations (read: the occupancy agreement). These coming inspections have at their aim the annihilation of what Residential Living refers to as illegal and illicit decorations, electrical appliances, alcohol and tobacco. Moreover, they will also be enforcing absolutist -- nay, puritanical -- standards relating to cleanliness. (God damn it, our mothers couldn't make us clean our rooms and by golly, neither can Gigi!) We are of the opinion that random raids and room inspections are horrid abuses of executive authority and pose an immediate danger to the rights of students. In this age, a healthy mistrust of government is not only appropriate, but necessary and we do not doubt that this attitude should apply also to Gigi's henchmen (read: the RAs in the Quad). We yield to the immortal words of our forefathers who sad it best when they said forthright in the Federalist Papers: "A case which may perhaps be thought to resemble the latter, but which is in fact widely different, affects the question immediately under consideration (Publius, Federalist No. 32)." Indeed, no man should ever be subject to the wide latitude and complete discretion of any other man, not to mention Residential Living's band of brownshirts who consider themselves above the law. Ponder the matter for a moment: What is to stop a Fuhrmanesque rogue RA or assistant dean from planting evidence or framing non-politically correct, non-conforming free minds like us? What legal refuge will we have? What justice will be available to us after our rights are abridged? Said Johnnie Cochran of a similar outrage: "This is a bombshell." Indeed, as the tyrants and autocrats take strides to enforce our occupancy agreement and restrict our liberty, we the students must make a decision. Shall we allow them to dictate their terms to us by gun point while robbing us blind of a small fortune or shall we bear arms, ammo and children to fight the coming totalitarian regime? To illustrate the coming suspension -- nay, abrogation -- of our liberties we have prepared the following list of items and outrages we unearthed so as to raise the general consciousness on this grave matter: Consider: Clause 11 of the Rooming Contract. Students may not alter the ventilation system. Our response: Tyranny! We do not even have a ventilation system. Consider: Clause 13 of the Rooming Contract. Students may not possess illegal pets and pets must be humanely kept in a small cage or aquarium. Our response: Tyranny! What are we to eat when Stouffer serves cheesesteaks? Do they wish us to starve? Consider: Clause 19 of the Rooming Contract. Prohibits firearms, pistols and air rifles. Response: Tyranny! Do they want us to be the only unarmed people in the neighborhood? Consider: Clause 20 of the Rooming Contract. In Pennsylvania the possession and or use of alcohol by persons under the age of 21 is prohibited. Response: This is just Tyranny! Therefore, as we succinctly and indisputably demonstrated above, rooms searches are a clear violation of our liberties. Moreover, Penn's occupancy agreement is like the Treaty of Versailles: We may be forced to accept it now, but sooner or later, the students are going to rise up. So this winter, in the words of the great patriot G. Gordon Liddy, When they show up at your door without a warrant, be sure to aim for the head or the groin.