DP SWAMIS: KEITH SAYS: Penn 24-7

In honor of Coming-Out Week, we Turban-Headed Freaks are going to be open –– keeping nothing in our closets. Yes, it's true, even we Swamis have had a tough week, and frankly, even with our prognosticating prowess, we have been insecure for most of this week. We put a fresh coat of wax on our carpets, filled them up, and took off for the only place on earth more heavenly than the Pink Palace, a place in which even we seemingly all-powerful Pigskin Pundits were humbled by the masters. Wearing our ESPENN T-shirts, we landed in Connecticut, home of nutmeg and the ever-asinine Hartford Whalers. After buying some New England turbans at a flea market, pick insurance in Hartford, and, of course, nutmeg, we hopped into our stretch carpet and zipped over to bucolic Bristol –– home of ESPN, the land we Swamis can only hope to intern in. Looking for guidance, we decided to go to the immortal man who hosts the daily staple of our lives: SportsCenter. Cornell great Keith Olbermann, the man who laughs at figures like Zeus, Athena, Mercury, Hercules, and of course Mr. Lund was there to console us in our times of uncertainty. We were too quick to establish some semblance of respect for ourselves, however, pointing out that us Swamis, with a 43-year history of powerful (not for gambling purposes) predictions, are older than the holy Chris Berman himself, let alone his Swami routine. In his ever so suave, reassuring tone, the Omnipotent Olbermann calmed us, saying "Ah, Berman always copies other people's stuff." Whew. Now that we, the humbled Turbanites ourselves, knew that even the Baal (look it up) Berman followed our lowly (on his scale) operation and brought it to a national pastime, we knew we were verging on big-time. His Graciousness Olbermann continued to console us, even sharing his tremendous wealth of knowledge, guiding us with his picks of the week. Blatantly showing off his natural feel for sports teams, he simply knew Penn would crush William & Mary. "Anything else would be a moral defeat," the Man, the Myth, the Legend said. Before we left, however, we needed to see how far the Savior himself would go in his faith in his place of higher education (at least that what they call S.U.N.Y.-Ithaca). Although he wouldn't predict the outcome, he did mention that his friend and coach, Jim Hofher, was a "superior coach." Hmmm. After our rendezvous in heaven was over, we boarded our carpets and headed for home. Ah yes, our egos had been resurrected, our picks would be dead-on-balls accurate, and, with the exception of "Herschel," better than the Dartboard's. We had been rebuilt. Without the help of Keith Olbermann, whose picture has been a rock of support and was posted in our Palace all week, we probably would have never made it through this week. Thanks, Keith, and if you ever need the support of us little, itty-bitty pundits in your world of prognosticators, do not hesitate to call. None will be refused, some may be shunned.