COLUMN: Television Take-Over

Merger me this, merger me that. Who's afraid of the big black rat? Well, I am. The big black rat being Mickey Mouse, of course. Ever since that time when I was four and my nine year old brother hacked up my Mickey doll, I've been in therapy. You see, I cried aloud as I watched him stab the mouse several times. I cried all night, my head filled with the image of Mickey's stuffing spewing onto the carpet. It pains me even to this day to recall that awful moment. But it got worse. The next day, I woke up and noticed Mickey lying in the bed next to me, in tact, just like new. "How had he recovered from that brutal stabbing?" I wondered. "Oh my God! He's like the devil or something." My mom eventually explained that she had gone to the store and bought a new doll for me, but I still don't believe her. As far as I'm concerned, Mickey Mouse, like Barney, is the anti-Christ. Anyway, since Disney recently "purchased" ABC, you can understand why I can never watch an ABC show again. This isn't all bad, actually, considering I couldn't even name one show which ABC currently airs, but what about Monday Night Football? Should I be scared that Dan Dierdorf is going to don his Mousketeers hat during the Cowboys game? (A frightening image in any scenario.) Or will Al Michaels, in a twisted impersonation of Harry Carey, lead the crowd in a chorus of "The Mickey Mouse Theme?" Frankly, I'm scared. But I have my therapist. What really worries me is how this merger will affect the common man. Add that CBS-Westinghouse thing into the mix and we have an awful dilemma. Last time I checked, Westinghouse had this plant near my house in Jersey where they tested elevators. What does this mean for CBS' programming? I can hear it now -- Andy Rooney is whining on Sixty Minutes, "Why is it that every time I push the 'Close Door' button on the elevator, nothing happens? I mean, the door closes when it wants to anyway, so why is this button there? Speaking of buttons, isn't that Minnie Mouse just as cute as one?" Honestly, I have no idea what a merger, a take-over or take-out really is. I'm just a simple sheep farmer from the wilds of the Australian outback. My needs are simple. My tastes are simple. To me, television is a wonderful forum for entertainment, plain and simple. I've learned to ignore commercials as an attempt at corporatizing the industry. But when major corporations are buying the damn networks, I'm not sure what to think. Sure, the everyday operations of these networks will probably be unchanged. Murder, She Wrote, for whatever reason, will continue to air and Joey Lawrence, for whatever reason, will continue to say, "Whoah!" But why do these huge corporations feel the need to buy so much stuff? My knowledge of anti-trust laws is limited to a ten minute lecture in my high school history class, but this seems to be getting dangerously close to some kind of Carnegie-ian monopoly. As the giants buy more and more stuff, the industry's pyramid is reaching its apex, where it's possible for one corporation to be on top. Of course, we need to have faith that the laws of the land will prevent this from happening. But we should also hope that our president doesn't speak out in favor of a device which can allow parents to prevent their children from watching certain TV stations. And, we should hope that our Senate Majority Leader would not limit his "family values" attacks to movies and records produced by Democratic artists. In a country with a constitution such as ours, it's bad enough that you can't say the f-word on TV. What's to prevent Ted Turner from buying every TV station and airing Jane Fonda movies on every station 24 hours a day and leaving TV viewers no other choice but to watch? And what would happen to that whole "encouraging free enterprise" thing? Maybe Marx was right. Maybe the next step after capitalism is socialism. If Mickey Mouse and friends can buy out television, what's to prevent the U.S.A. from becoming the U.S.S.A.? Then again, I could be wrong, it might not be so bad. After all, that Mickey Mouse Theme sure is catchy.

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