IVY ROUNDUP: JUCO transfers can't lift Walker's spirits; Brown fans take pleasure in sucking

It's that time of the week again -- Ivy Roundup time, that is. We're here to delve deep into the wars fought on the hardwood throughout the Northeast this past weekend. Although Dick Vitale may not have broadcast any of the past weekend's thrillers in the Ivy League, there was still much excitement and anticipation -- in the race for second place, at least. This week saw more than its share of the interesting and bizarre. It's a story of secrets exposed in Ithaca, of Princeton coach Pete Carril accepting his fate as a failure yet again and of long-overdue joy in Providence. But most of all, once you leave Philadelphia, it's a story of embarrassment and humiliation on the Ivy League courts. Wherever Penn goes, Ivy victories come with it -- 34 to be exact. Watch out for the wacky and unpredictable in the Ivies, but don't expect a Quaker loss anytime soon. Big Red Secret Our crack investigative reporters here at Roundup have discovered that reality has finally reached Cornell. After the Big Red fell in embarrassing fashion on its home floor to Dartmouth, coach Al Walker finally admitted the inevitable. Walker let the biggest secret in Ithaca out -- Cornell, according to him, will not be playing for the Ivy League title. Cornell will not even be playing for second place. Now, the Big Red is playing just for respectability. Oh, really. This well-kept secret was known to everyone other than Walker before the season even began. Walker's self-proclaimed "Transition to Excellence" program will have to wait. Not even three junior college transfers and nine freshmen can speed up the process. Actually, most of the blame rests squarely on the shoulders of the JUCO newcomers (JUCO players in the Ivy League -- what's up with that?). Eddie Samuels, the 27-year-old military man who also played on the national champion Pensacola (Fla.) Junior College squad, has been unable to pick up his performance in the Ivies. Add to this the chronic fatigue afflicting Troy Tolbert, who has been mysteriously limited to only five minutes of action per game, and we here at Roundup have confirmed the Ivy League cellar sure is looking mighty tempting for the Big Red. Get used to it Walker, because it looks like you'll be there a while. Jedi Master Coming off a tremendous thumping at the hands of our soon-to-be three-time defending Ivy League champion Quakers, Princeton has given up on its Ivy title hopes. (We here at Roundup believe it might be good advice for the rest of the league to accept as well.) Pete "Yoda" Carril confessed before this past weekend: "We're dead." Oh really, Jedi master of the obvious. That point was driven home Friday night when the Tigers were beaten at Brown. The lone bright spot for Princeton was center Rick Hielscher, who scored his 1,000th point for the Tigers. However, Carril was not overly impressed with the accomplishment of Mr. Tendinitis. "Big deal," Yoda exploded sarcastically when asked about it after the game. Why Storm the Court? It's been a long, long road to respectability for the Brown basketball team. In fact, the Bears may have hit their apex this weekend with a thrilling victory over the suddenly below-average Tigers. Although Princeton was only 7-8 at the time, the Brown fans stormed the court after the overtime win in Providence. Come on, is this what the Ivy League has come to? We here at Roundup gained respect for the Brown faithful, who came out for the Penn game in masses with pots, pans and everything but the kitchen sink. They came out in droves, even skipped their precious hockey games, to root on the Bears in their quest for second place. But rushing the court after beating Princeton? The Tigers ain't the champs, remember? Storm the court when you beat the Quakers, but politely clap when you beat those pussycats from that toxic waste dump that is New Jersey. It's all right, because reality finally sunk in Monday. After everyone in Providence rather conveniently forgot the Bears' thumping Saturday night at the hands of the Quakers, all anyone could talk about was John DuPont. "Who's John DuPont?" you ask. He's the Brown fan who tossed not one but two paper airplanes from the stands into a trash can placed at midcourt during halftime. For sinking even one plane, which had not been accomplished at the Pizzitola Sports Center in recorded history, he earned a trip on USAir to anywhere in the continental U.S. We here at Roundup advise him to take a trip to Seattle, because everyone knows Brown has no chance to ever get there.

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