COLUMN: Women are the solution to labor strife

From Adam Steinmetz's "Wide Open," Fall '95 Dear Sirs: Here is a proposal to settle the baseball strike. First, fire Don "There is nothing to fear but" Fehr himself. Second, take Fehr's monthly salary and use it to fly all the players' wives and all the owners' wives to Minnesota's Mall of the Americas, the nation's largest mall, with no money, no checks and no credit cards. Third, let them wander around window shopping as long as they want on one condition: They cannot buy a thing. Fourth, explain to them that if this strike is not settled, they will be doing more of this window shopping and less buying in the future -- unless, of course, they have their own careers. Fifth, put all the wives in a room and let them settle it. Players wives will understand the issues at least as well as, say, Lenny Dykstra. And when the purse strings are tight, women will not have to put on some macho face-saving facade. No, truthfully, women are more mature than men. They will put aside bitter feelings and settle the damn thing so they can buy more shoes. Sixth, here at Penn, they always teach us to think a step ahead and have a contingency plan. If the wives do not get along, and the negotiations drag on, televise their meetings instead of these replacement games. A good cat fight is always a ratings draw. Do Nancy and Tonya ring a bell? Sure, the naysayers will doubt this plan. But, hey, a federal mediator, Congress and even the president have tried to solve this strike without success. What are the alternatives? Jimmy Carter? What is his plan? A peanut vendor boycott? Meanwhile, the strike will probably drag on. Players do not get paid for spring training. And when players say, "This is not about the money" we fans can be sure that means it is absolutely, positively about the money. So now you greedy louts want baseball fans who are heading to Florida for Spring Break from Penn and other schools to be among the first to make the decision whether to pay money to watch replacement games. Spring training, as those who have gone know, normally is the best time of year to watch baseball. The scents of spring perfume the air, and little kids lean over dugout railings to plead for autographs. Hey, your greed is even ruining teacher-student interaction. Twice during high school I ran into my teachers when we were both skipping school to watch spring training games. Help save the schools. Spring training is a time for the fan who wants to relax and not grumble about the manager and the overpaid shortstop. It is a time when long-time baseball fans stand up for the seventh inning stretch, and their novice companions say, "Look, honey, you started a trend." Baseball games, of course, never really matter. It is just that in spring training, the games are actually treated that way. Baseball is a good excuse to relax and be outside. It is a chance to eat popcorn and crackerjacks without feeling guilty. It is not a star-driven game. Players need to remember that. Save for Frank Thomas and Ken Griffey Jr., individual baseball players are not worth paying money to see. In spring training, no-names play most of the game anyway. So some of us will still go to spring training. But if this thing drags on, not many of us will shell out cash to sit in 40-degree weather to watch a game in April at Veterans Stadium. So call the wives. Because in the end, they are going to be the ones who will put an end to this nonsense, no matter who is actually at the bargaining table. Why not save all the trouble and get them to negotiate? Adam Steinmetz is a Wharton senior from West Palm Beach, Fla., and a sports writer for The Daily Pennsylvanian. Wide Open appears alternate Tuesdays.