COLUMN: Heart Attack

From Charlotte Druckman's "Putting It Bluntly," Fall '95 Remember in kindergarten when Valentine's Day was an equal opportunity holiday? If you made a red doily heart for one friend, you made one for each of your classmates, and in return, they gave you little pictures of kissing kitty cats. Those days ended long ago. Now, unfortunately, the plight of Charlie Brown in the Peanuts Gang Valentine's Day Special has become a common reality. Many students watch their roommates accumulate roses and sappy cards while they go to their mailboxes only to find them empty -- except for their tuition bills. There are options for these members of the lonely heart's club: Of course, suicide is a little drastic, but there's nothing wrong with eating yourself into oblivion or playing a medley of love songs while you cry your eyes out. Then, there are those who would rather live in denial. These types ask their parents to send them a gift basket and then pretend a dreamy stranger delivered the package. Or what about sending yourself roses and signing the card "from a secret admirer?" Getting drunk would normally be an option, but at Penn, that might be difficult. Would it be proper social protocol to show up at the Palladium on Tuesday night of Valentine's Day? You don't want people to know that you don't have a significant other to romance you. And since The New York Times recently reported that the drinking has gone down on college campuses and went to the source, Smokey Joe's, for research, people might not want to ruin this establishment's new clean and sober attitude. After reading that "Students from Penn, Drexel University, St. Joseph's University and other colleges still come to the bar, but these days they are just as likely to order a Coke as a pitcher of Bud," someone might feel a bit guilty or even dated (no pun intended) arriving at Smoke's, VIP card in hand, in order to get wasted. One of our own, Larry Brooks, a junior who tends bar at Smoke's agreed and even provided a quote to back up The New York Times' philosophy that this is "the age of moderation." So, if anyone is thinking of drowning his or her sorrows on Valentine's day, he or she will have to settle for Coke! Meanwhile, does anyone know how this holiday became such a big deal? Aside from the fact that the Hallmark card industry was looking for a way to make a fast buck, something that everybody already knows, what started the craze over this saint day? Actually the stories of St. Valentine's fame are rather murky. Supposedly there were two St. Valentines but people have different theories as to why they were made saints. One common hypothesis suggests that this holiday originated in an Ancient Roman ritual. February 15 originally marked the celebration of the festival Lupercalia, which included a ceremony that was believed to ensure protection from wolves. Young men would strike people with animal hides. Women took the blows because they thought the whipping would heighten their fertility. Somehow this ancient rite became entangled with Feb. 14, St. Valentine's Day. This association is basically accidental, but has resulted in such practices as those found in Great Britain and Italy which involve unmarried women waking up before sunrise in order to wait for the first man to walk by. Supposedly, this man will become their husbands within a year. Women's lib should also have many a bone to pick with Valentine's Day, which would appear to celebrate women's subjugation to and dependency on men. If anyone is feeling bad about not having a Valentine this year, here's the perfect excuse: This holiday, from its origins, is offensive to women. If you don't want to down Coke at Smoke's or pay for the flowers you would have sent yourself, you can just explain that Valentine's Day is, in theory, a sexist phenomenon and you refuse to uphold such a tradition. People will think you're politically correct and sensitive. And then, who knows, you might just find a Valentine. For those who aren't convinced by this information and are still discontent over their lack of a Valentine, the World Book Encyclopedia has some refreshing news, "Many people give candy, flowers and other gifts to their friends." Note that the operative word here is "friends." Valentines are not limited to lovers, so, if you know that your friend is without a romantic interest this Tuesday, why don't you send him or her a box of chocolate or a six-pack of Coke.