COLUMN: The Final Frontier

From Dan Schorr's "Behind Enemy Lines," Fall '94 Seniors might find solace from the plaguing pressures of defining and planning the rest of their lives with a night out to see Star Trek: Generations. But although Kirk meets Picard is cool, it could be better: "Analysis, Mr. Data?" "The time/space anomaly has thrown us off course. We are now in the ... 43rd and Spruce Sector." "RED ALERT! Shields up! Ready photon torpedoes!" Riker orders. "Commander!" the Counselor scolds. "Why do you insist on placing barriers between us and this sector? Do you want us to look like the Columbia Sector, with a wall around us? You are not fostering community." Mr. Worf bursts in, "Two West Philadelphia residents uncloaking, sir! They are hailing us. They want to know ... what time it is. They want us to transport over a clock." "Very well, Mr. Worf. Make it so." "Captain, I believe that this is a trap. As soon as we lower our shields to transport over the time, they will attack." "Good thinking, Mr. Data. Let's get out of here -- Warp 8. Engage!" "Captain, we are being followed," Worf announces. "It is the Borg! They are hailing us." "On screen." The figure begins his robotic, trancelike speech. "I am Progressive of Borg. Your defenses are irrelevant. Resistance is futile. You will be diversified." The crew anxiously looks at Picard, waiting tensely for his orders. "Give them a couple of token diversity departments -- that should hold them for a while." "Captain, they are still not satisfied." The Borg reiterates, "Resistance is futile. You will be diversified." Geordie speaks up, "Captain! I think I can recalibrate a phase modulator to set up separate living-learning dorms." Data looks puzzled as he attempts to understand the situation. "Geordie, I thought they wanted diversity. Your solution does not seem to correctly address the problem, but rather provide the opposite effect--" Picard interrupts impatiently. "We'll explain later, Mr. Data. I think your stark white skin is bleeding into that positronic brain of yours. Geordie, make it so. Then set a course at Warp 9 ... for the Revlon Sector ... engage!" Meanwhile, through the miracle of a simple proclamation by the United Federation of Planets Board of Trustees, another crew from another time is already at the site. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy kneel by the wounded figure of a previously unknown expendable crew member who has been mysteriously run over by an Escort van. "Scotty -- lock onto these coordinates and beam him directly to Student Health." "No ... n-n-not Student Health," the ensign mutters desperately. "Jim! I'm a doctor, not a sadist. The patient stays here." The man begins to mumble painfully. "My name ... [gasp] ... is The One University Concept." The figure cringes, then collapses, limp. "He's dead, Jim." The earth starts shaking as cracks begin to appear in the ground. Scotty's ethnically stereotyped voice powers through: "Captain, the campus is breaking apart! I can't hold it together much longer." "Scotty, I need that Campus Center." "Captain, I'm doing all I can. We've already got enough fiscal demands to fill a DP editor's ego. There just isn't enough money." "Damn it, Scotty! You've got a billion dollar endowment up there." "Our chief engineer is being highly illogical, captain," pipes in Spock. "I can't divert enough money to the Center, Captain ... it'll take years." "We don't have years, Scotty. We need it now." Simultaneously, the Enterprise D is racing towards the planet. "Captain, we are entering the Revlon Sector and dropping out of warp. Captain, it's..." "What, Mr. Worf?" "It's ... it's just a parking lot, sir. The Borg must have been here already." "I'll beam down to take a look." Picard reaches the planet, and stands eye to eye with his predecessor. They look around at the barrenness, the two captains ready for an exciting, historic adventure together. Then a new figure beams in -- the Provost and CEO of Paramount. He points to Picard. "We're pulling the plug on your series." He points to Kirk. "We're killing you." The two captains are flustered. "Does the University Council know about this?" Picard asks. "Let's just get a beer," Kirk suggests. They reach the Palladium and sit out on the patio. They are served. "What's with this synthahol stuff?" Picard asks. "I'm sorry, we can't serve you alcohol." "We're both over 21." "Yes, but there's no outdoor alcohol service in the Penn Quadrant -- it's just not decent. Except for alumni, of course." The two captains sit there lethargically like two college seniors approaching their last semesters, each facing a mid-life crisis. Both TV series are gone. Movies will never be the same. "So, this is how it ends," Picard eloquently philosophizes. "Not with a bang, but with a whimper." The comment makes Kirk's thoughts turn to women. Picard continues, "I felt like this as a young man at the end of my Starfleet Academy days. Our best adventures are behind us. No more excitement. All we have left is nostalgic reunion conventions. What should we do with our lives now?" As the credits roll and the theme music blares, they hope to recapture their youths in another movie, another sequel, all the while knowing that anything to come will most likely be inferior to what has already occurred. Dan Schorr is a senior English major from Valley Stream, New York. Behind Enemy Lines appeared alternate Fridays for the past three semesters.