IVY ROUNDUP: Quakers are Ivy champs once again; Columbia wins?

and Jed Walentas It happens week after week. Without fail. Every seven days, Ivy Roundup world headquarters sends roving correspondents across the globe in search of the wild and wacky in Ancient Eight athletics. Whenever possible, our Roundup scribes use their magic carpets to reach their destination. But unfortunately, there are more than a few campuses out there without carpet-landing facilities. (Can you imagine?) As a result of this travesty, our Roundup reporters often must use other methods of transportation. And to make things worse, recent developments have shown Roundup business travel to be extremely treacherous at times? One of our hunters of Ivy humor had his expedition cut short when he borrowed a white Ford Bronco in Los Angeles. Last we heard, he was facing charges of tampering with police evidence. Another of our warriors of Ivy wisdom reluctantly flew the unfriendly skies of US Air (or is it US scare?) en route to Pittsburgh. Last we heard, the FAA was trying to identify her with dental records. Just last week, one of our soldiers of Ivy fortune had some business in the City of Brotherly Love. Last we heard, he was headed west on the Green Line No. 10 (and wearing a turban -- yikes!). But this week was different. There was no danger. There was no need for travel. The best and brightest of the week's Ancient Eight gridiron activities happened right here at Ben Franklin's university. Let us give thee a sense. · Ivy Champions of the Week Yes, that's right kids, our beloved Quakers are once again the undisputed heavyweight Ivy League champions of the world. To no one's surprise, of course, the all-mighty men of the Red and Blue completely and thoroughly dominated Harvard Saturday in front of a festive Parents' Weekend crowd. Historic Franklin Field was indeed the place to be as Penn notched its record-tying (and really impressive, if you ask us here at Ivy Roundup) 20th consecutive win. Roundup has always maintained a commitment to excellence very similar to that which is enforced by Penn head hancho Al Bagnoli and his superb staff. In light of this shared quest for perfection (Bagnoli's done it, we're still trying), all of us here at Roundup central tip our hats -- and what the hell, our turbans too -- in salute of a job well done. And speaking of Ivy champions, this message just in from Roundup headquarters: The soon-to-be-three-time Ancient Eight Champion Penn basketball team opens its season tonight at 7 p.m. at the Palestra. Be there. If your presence is not felt, a Roundup representative dressed in black and sporting dark shades may come knocking. And you'll be blocked from PARIS registration to boot. · Goal Post Drowning of the Week What would an Ivy title-clinching win be without a good old-fashioned dunking of the uprights? Everyone's parents were there to witness the sheer insanity of it all -- and see where that tuition money really goes (right into the Schuylkill, baby!). If you ask us here at Roundup, the hordes of delirious fans came up big. But if you ask DP Executive Editor Jordana "Always on the" Horn, the frenzied mob came up small. Sorry Jordana, but not even 53 Undergraduate Assembly meetings, 12 campus safety forums and a Judith Rodin inauguration can excite our fine student body like a rousing chorus of Ivy Champs! Ivy Champs! For the record, we here at Roundup wouldn't have it any other way. · Princeton Loser of the Week Normally it's tough to pick just one Princeton loser. After all, the word Princeton is synonymous with the word loser. And there are so many Princeton losers. But this week one such loser deserves special recognition. This upstanding young gentleman distinguished himself from all the other Princeton losers, and he should feel proud. For those of you who missed it, Penn medical student Jeffrey Carlton Trost wrote a letter to the editor of the DP last week. He expressed his displeasure with the behavior of Penn fans at the Princeton football game, citing chants, gestures and "a mean-spirited yet futile attempt to tear down Princeton's goal posts." We're sorry, Jeffrey Carlton Trost, if that is your real name. We never meant to be mean-spirited. But really, Princeton does suck. And you of all people should know -- you did graduate with honors from Princeton in 1992, didn't you? (Hmmm?what else did our Roundup background probe come up with?) Jeffrey, dear, if you're reading and you really want to see some rowdy fans, why don't you come visit the Palestra tonight? Or maybe you would rather watch Yoda's Tigers get blown out of the Palestra on Jan. 28. We'll give you a real dose of -- wait, what did you call it -- ah yes, "good cheer." · Columbia Win of the Week Who would have thunk it? This segment of the show, the Columbia Win of the Week, has now appeared three times in the last four weeks. This just in -- according to Roundup weather satellites, hell has frozen over. Yes, our beloved Sky Blue Panzies of SUNY-Harlem have assured themselves of their first winning season since Prometheus brought fire down from the heavens. The Lions used both stars of their guess-who's-our-quarterback-now system to claw their way past Cornell. The win means when Columbia hosts Brown next week, both teams will have winning records for the first time since 1965. Wow, Yale coach Carm Cozza lost his first gray hair in 1965. · Big Red Choke of the Week As previously mentioned in these sacred gridiron notes, it was Cornell that fell victim Saturday to those oh-so-ferocious Lions of SUNY-Harlem. After this third consecutive loss, Roundup oddsmakers are betting the Big Red won't even show up on the frozen tundra of Schoellkopf Field when Penn visits Ithaca, N.Y. As for us, we're wondering if Cornell coach Jim Hofher is still casting that pathetic first-place vote for his pathetic Big Red squad. We hope not, for his sake.

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