'DP' sports fumbles again, 21-14

The third time was not the charm for The Daily Pennsylvanian sports staff yesterday afternoon. For the third year in a row, the DP non-sports staff humiliated the sports staff by a score of 21-14 in the annual Kamin Cup football tournament. "It sucks," said sports writer and Defensive End Luke "Gibson" DeCock. "They got lucky." Although there was a great deal of hype and anticipation by the sports team, their surprise celebrity coach --rumored to be Miles Macik -- did not show up for the game. Associate Editor Petey "Mo" Morrison led his team to victory with his superior quarterbacking and defensive skills. Morrison threw for three touchdown passes and had two first half interceptions. He said his success was aided by the awesome skills of his teammates. "[Assistant Managing Editor] Chuck [Ornstein] added depth to the offensive line in the second half," he said. He added that Business Manager Marc "Weird" Saiontz was undeniably the team's most valuable player. Saiontz scored the first touchdown and had two key interceptions. Beat reporter Josh "Speedy" Fineman caught a pass for the second touchdown. He attributed his completion to the weakness of the sports team. "The sports defense was actually kind of wimpy," he said. 34th Street Features Editor Mike "Real Tired" Tuhy scored the crucial third touchdown in the second half, which he declared as the offensive play of the game. "It was a sliding diving catch at the risk of personal injury, dirtying my otherwise dapper outfit," he said. "I did it all for the sake of the team." The two touchdowns by the sports team were scored by writers Leo "Miles" Congeni and Mike "Fitz" Barthlow. In keeping with Kamin Cup tradition, each team had at least one woman on the field at all times. The sports team was represented by sports writer Jane "Limited Contact" Havsy, while the non-sports team was represented by beat reporters Kara "Noisy" Blond, Melissa "Andrea" Geschwind and Amy "Lippy" Lipman. Blond caught a pass and successfully sacked sports writer and Quarterback Jed "Rastaman" Walentas. Walentas commented on his poor performance. "I sucked," he said. Geschwind, who caught a pass, concluded that the talent of the DP sports department lies in only one area. "Those sports guys sure can... write about sports," she said. The game was refereed by Executive Editor Jordana "Dinner with Dan" Horn. "I was very pleased that the longstanding tradition of beating up the ref was not perpetuated this year," Horn said.