IVY ROUNDUP: Tiger beheaded by band; Big Green exhibit ineptness

and Jed Walentas It's here. The moment you've all been waiting for. After a long summer of sun and surf, and a week of oh-so-interesting classes with nothing funny to read, you can all breathe easier now. Yes, that's right. Ivy Roundup has returned -- with a potpourri of Tigers, toothpaste, Trevors, Tims, TV stars and touchdowns. But, definitely no toast (stay tuned)? Kicking off this 39th year of Ancient Eight football was the always-entertaining Cornell marching band. And apparently, that's not all they kicked off. We here at Roundup have learned heads were indeed rolling on the frozen tundra of Ithaca's Schoellkopf Field for Saturday's game against Princeton. It seems that 14 members of the Big Red percussion section wanted to start the homecoming festivities off with a bang. According to our source at Princeton, the band members "decided to jump the Princeton Tiger." When Roundup officials heard of this inexcusable (but damn funny) behavior, we could only think the percussionists had forgotten that age-old adage, "It's all fun and games until someone bruises a trachea." You see, Tigerette and Princeton senior Blanch Rainwater -- you guessed it Roundup fans -- suffered a bruised trachea when her Tiger head got caught under her chin as the band members tried to kick it off. The injured feline was rushed to Tompkins Community Hospital where she was treated and released. Always cool under pressure, we here at Roundup kept our heads (if only Blanch had done the same) and immediately contacted emergency room staff nurse and big cat expert John Daube, who was familiar with the attack. "It's highly unusual," Daube said. "We don't really get much of that in here." Unfortunately, Roundup central could not tell if he was talking about bruised tracheas or mascot jumpings -- you make the call? Oh, and one more thing. For all you Penn band members out there, Blanch and Princeton are scheduled to be at the Palestra January 28. Let's get ready to rumble! And speaking of rumbling, Roundup headquarters was abuzz with colorful news of the Colgate Red Raiders upsetting Dartmouth's Big Green by four points Saturday. But apparently Roundup wasn't the only group the Red Raiders impressed. After watching the game film, here's what the American Dental Association Council on Dental Therapeutics had to say: "Colgate has been shown to be an effective decay-preventive dentrifice that can be of significant value when used as directed in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care." Pretty high praise for a Patriot League team, if you ask us. Dartmouth, on the other hand, continues to choke in Week 1 (see last year's loss at Franklin Field). It also shows signs of gingivitis. Down by four with three minutes left, the Big Green had a first-and-goal at the Colgate two. After three failed shots at the end zone, quarterback Ren Riley slipped while running a fourth-down option play. Ren, you're no Jay Fiedler -- Jay hasn't slipped once while carrying the clipboard up and down the Eagles' sideline. Which brings us to another Ivy signal caller who dropped the proverbial ball in the inaugural weekend of gridiron action, Brown's Trevor Yankoff. Every single DP Swami, ignoring Brown's fine losing tradition (and Yankoff's name) picked the Bears to beat Yale Saturday. But alas, the big bad bear they call Yankoff yanked our magic carpets from under us. He orchestrated a pathetic 27-16 loss to the Elis. But don't judge a quarterback by his name. He's sorry. In fact, he told Roundup media relations last night. "I'm sorry. But it hurt us more than it hurt them," was Yankoff's apologetic message to the Swami clan. And worst of all, because of Yankoff's ineptness, Brown rookie coach Mark Whipple (what's with the names in Providence, anyway?) didn't get a 'W' in his debut. But a big Roundup salute goes out to the Ancient Eight virgin who did get his first -- Harvard's Tim Murphy. Hopefully, the three Harvard students who actually care about football won't get too excited, because the Murph only beat Columbia by seven points. "If I last half as long or do half as well as [former Harvard coach] Joe Restic, I'll be lucky," Murphy said. Roundup statisticians concluded Murphy would have been lucky to last two games had he lost to those hapless Lions. An even bigger Roundup salute goes out to one of our all-time Franklin Field favorites -- Kansas City Chiefs offensive lineman and former Quaker Joe Valerio. Most of the country was tuned in a couple weeks ago when Valerio caught a Joe Montana touchdown pass against the 49ers. It wasn't surprising as both past and present Quakers continue to come up big on gameday. "It was a big thrill," Valerio said from his K.C. home while watching Monday Night Football. "It's nice as an offensive lineman to do something like that." On Sunday night, Touchdown Joe almost struck again in Atlanta. But the Falcons must have learned what we here at Roundup have known for years -- you can't stop a Quaker, you can only hope to contain him. And so Atlanta was ready for Joe's play when it came. When we asked Falcons secondary coach Greg Brown what makes Touchdown Joe such a special threat, he replied, "Joe has nice, soft hands." He does, huh? And speaking of hands, most Quaker faithful had their hands full of toast Saturday as Penn dominated Lafayette by a 27-7 score. One of those rabid toast hurlers was Danica McKellar, of The Wonder Years fame. (You remember Winnie Cooper, don't you?) On campus visiting Penn sophomore Kim Stern, McKellar was at first concerned she wouldn't know when to throw the crisped loaves. But the UCLA sophomore caught on to the Penn scene pretty quickly. "It kind of looked like a graduation with all the caps," McKellar said. "It was like a waterfall of toast!" But there will be no toasting on 33rd street come October 1 when the Penn State juggernaut battles Temple. When Roundup asked coaching legend Joe Paterno if he wanted Penn students to continue the ritual for their cross-state rivals, his response was one of shock. "Throw toast?" he asked incredulously. "No, I don't want you to throw toast!" Easy, Joe Pa, we all have our traditions. But anything for you. We, the Roundup powers, hereby declare a toast ban for the October 1 game. Instead, why don't we get the Temple band to go after the Nittany Lion. But, please, for Roundup's sake, go easy on his trachea?

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.